Monday, August 24, 2009

Funny Sex

Have you ever had funny sex? Not funny like "he drugged me" funny; funny like "haha" funny? Because Brooke and I occasionally do, and while you may think that chuckles and intercourse go together like rainbows and unicorns (weee!), it's actually a bit problematic, as evidenced by what transpired here yesterday. (TMI? Excuse yourself now. That means you, every person I'm related to.)

So Brooke got back from the gym at 7:00 and I was cooking corn. (With sentences like that, you may want to keep a glass of ice water handy for your loins.) Then Brooke said, "Let’s do it. Do you want me to shower first?" Roar! I thought about it for a second and opted for pre-shower because the corn was on.

Fact: When it comes to knockin' boots, plainly acknowledging what's happening is a mistake. Done properly, no one should ever be 100% aware of what they are doing during sex. Or it becomes like a highly choreographed fight scene that just looks fake. Real fights, like real sex, are chaotic messes of scratching, clawing, biting, kicking, and crying. It's never like, "Well, now I should punch you in the face." If you're going to punch your lover in the face, it should always be spontaneous.

The other problem is that this heightened self-awareness inevitably leads to laughter, which while good for the soul is awful for intercourse. After a few moments of awkward chuckles (she was wearing running sneakers), we managed to right the course. We had successfully purged all hints of humor – until I looked up. There on the other side of the bed was Puppy, gently rocking to and fro while staring off into the distance. He looked like a captain manning his ship over rolling seas; the only thing missing was a slight breeze in his fur.

Dramatic re-enactment*

It was an impossible situation. The more I moved, the more he moved. He was too far away for me to swat without Brooke noticing. A decision had to be made, and wanting to avoid yet another interruption I decided to close my eyes and forge through.

Afterwards, I clued Brooke into what had happened and reenacted the hilarious scene for her. But while Brooke's laughter was innocent and genuine, mine was tinged with something far less amusing: The knowledge that the last thing that went through my mind before the end was Puppy gently swaying at the foot of the bed with that wayward, far off look in his eye.

Dramatic re-enactment

* Any questions on the making of the dramatic reenactment can be emailed to


Blogger The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Oh dear. I hate when I look up and the pets are watching. Gives me the icks.

August 24, 2009 at 3:06:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

nothing like have a couple pair of pet eyes watching the fun....damn cats.

August 24, 2009 at 3:13:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I might just have to set a reminder to come back and check out your Mom's comment whenever she gets to this post. It will likely be just as entertaining as the post itself.

August 24, 2009 at 3:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Petunia Face said...

That was awesomosity, pure and simple.

August 24, 2009 at 3:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jillian said...

Nothing quite as disturbing as a dramatic re-enactment. I'm actually a little ashamed of myself for clicking play.

August 24, 2009 at 4:01:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I banged Maragret Cho. That count?

August 24, 2009 at 4:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger [mother] said...

Now you know how I felt when you were seven years old and tapped me on the shoulder as your dad and I were having some fun.

Talk about killing the moment.

August 24, 2009 at 4:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jillian said...

That actually raises more questions than answers.

August 24, 2009 at 4:49:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

If you keep the post-workout sex restricted to the shower and bathroom, then you don't have animal observers to worry about.

August 24, 2009 at 5:16:00 PM EDT  
Blogger miss. chief said...

ha! my cat sits there and watches and PURRS!
it's like she's giving her approval

August 24, 2009 at 5:17:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Victoria said...

Luckily my dog hides in the closet at the mere mention of sex so it works out for us.

August 24, 2009 at 6:23:00 PM EDT  
Blogger auntiekim said...

That is quite possibly the most fantastic post ever, Dan. And it was all the more special with your mother's comment. Just fantastic.

August 24, 2009 at 6:45:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Lauren said...

You just got owned by your Mom. Loves it!

August 25, 2009 at 9:27:00 AM EDT  
Blogger A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Quite possibly the best post in all of blogging.

August 25, 2009 at 10:11:00 AM EDT  
Blogger C said...

This is why a temperpedic mattress is worth the 5 million dollars they want you to pay for it.

August 25, 2009 at 11:37:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best post EVER. Mom's comment- icing on the cake.

August 26, 2009 at 9:09:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Charlotte said...

Loved the post, as usual, but I never had a problem with our dog watching as my husband and I had sex, so I couldn't really relate.

Until yesterday.

Hubs and I were having sex in the living room, propped against the couch. I noticed at one point my husband kind of kick his foot out. Whatever. Afterwards, he explained that he was pushing the dog out of the way. Why? Puppy was licking his bare butt.

Your dog watches. Ours decides to join in.

August 26, 2009 at 10:56:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Prosy said...

I used to go through the effort of locking the dogs out of the room. But that requires too much effort after the first or second time. They somehow figured out on their own to get off the bed and go somewhere else. Still, having them in the same room does sometimes skeeve me out. I wonder what they're thinking and who they might tell.

August 26, 2009 at 2:27:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rosie Posie said...

Our funniest sex moment was when our pet flying squirrel (different from a sugar glider, thank you) decided to fly across the room and land on my hubby's bum. Those tiny claws, so good for clinging to the bark of trees, could not have been comfy on his tush.

August 26, 2009 at 11:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger shine said...

It may be that I've had too much cheese this morning, but that made me laugh so hard I nearly peed myself.

I'm sending you the cleaning bill.

September 18, 2009 at 1:36:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Trentent Silver said...

Interesting blog....
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October 19, 2013 at 12:32:00 AM EDT  

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