Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An Open Letter to My Fever

Dear totally random 100+ degree fever,

You are such an asshole. Why are you such an asshole? What did I ever do to you? At least if you were Tetanus I could be like, "Maybe I shouldn't have eaten off that rusty picnic table," or if I had to cut my foot off because it was trapped under a boulder I could blame it on my poor judgment in mountain biking during an rock slide.

But you, you little son-of-a-bitch, you just came out of nowhere. I was all happy on Sunday night, minding my own business. Typical night: oral sex, bowl of cereal, a chapter in my book and then off to sleep. Then WHAM.


I just love using this video.

4:00 in the morning I wake to the odd sensation that my body is on fire in a meat locker. I grab Puppy for warmth and comfort, but he senses that something is wrong (probably from the tight, shaky grip I have around his neck) and he wriggles free. For the next hour I drift in and out of a hazy sleep filled with hallucinogenic dreams of soccer, which makes the long, torturous night seem even longer.

Monday morning. Boom, roasted. Literally. Brooke goes right into caregiver mode and I know I am really sick when she makes a naughty nurse joke and I feel nothing but the hollow depths of my overheating soul.

So there I am laying in the bed, huddled up in the fetal position under all of the blankets in Miami, kind of delusional while Puppy stares into my face from a few inches away, simultaneously not caring that Brooke is witnessing this pathetic scene and acknowledging that I definitely never intended for Brooke to witness a scene as pathetic as this. "Two years, ten months. That's how long we went before the thin veil of manliness was torn down." All because of you, you stupid asshole fever.

And the worst part is, aside from popping Tylenol like Flintstone vitamins, no one knows how to get rid of you. Like the old saying goes, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." Or is it, "Feed a fever, starve a cold?" However it goes, here's one thing it certainly is: the worst piece of medical advice ever, mostly because no one can fucking remember it.

starve a fever starve a cold

At one point I had two blankets and a heating pad on me because Brooke was convinced I should sweat it out. When I weakly protested, "But won't it cook my organs?" she replied with a soothing, "Shhh." If that's your game, fever, to turn Brooke and I against each other – it won't work. Our love is . . . fuck I'm feeling light headed again. You asshole, I'm not done with you.

Where was I? Oh right, you're a dickweed, dickweed fever. If you were a person, you would be Glenn Beck's girlfriend. Because of you I haven't eaten anything except toast in two days. Tonight, I am supposed to go to a yacht party. Do you know what happens on yacht parties? Neither do I, and now I NEVER WILL because my body is ravaged from overheating like a menopausal dinosaur. And no, I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. Thanks to you.

All I know is you'd better not come back anytime soon. Because next time I'll be ready. I even made this handy diagram as a reminder for future use.


Because it's "Feed a cold, starve a fever." Not because colds are black and fevers are white. We're past that. Obama is president. Come on.

Go fuck yourself,
Dan

15 Comments:

Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

VIA WebMd: http://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/cold-guide/starve-cold-feed-fever

Starve a Cold, Feed a Fever?
Do you starve a cold and feed a fever when you're feeling under the weather? Or is it the other way around? Good news -- starving is never the correct answer.

When you eat a nutritional, well-balanced diet, many other factors fall in place that keep your body functioning optimally. Foods that are rich in nutrients help fight infections and may help to prevent illness. Because a wide array of nutrients in foods -- some of which we may not even know about -- are essential for wellness, relying on dietary supplements (vitamins and minerals) for good nutrition may limit your intake to just the known nutritional compounds rather than letting you get the full benefit of all nutrients available in food.

August 19, 2009 at 1:19:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

WedMD also diagnosed my last pregnancy, so I take everything they publish with a grain of salt.

August 19, 2009 at 1:23:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jeff said...

does that require urinating on webmd?

August 19, 2009 at 1:57:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Liz said...

At least we can all agree to starve a plow.

August 19, 2009 at 2:03:00 PM EDT  
OpenID peterdewolf said...

It's hooker a cold, stripper a fever.

Or maybe that's just in Canada.

August 19, 2009 at 2:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger LiLu said...

Hmmm. Peter, I think you just convinced me to move to Canada.

What?

August 19, 2009 at 2:55:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cause hookers are skinny and stippers are fat.

August 19, 2009 at 3:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger SAILOR MOON said...

hahahha how about sore throats? whats the medical advice on that? My husband says that sore throats go away with love juice....for the record it is not true!

But im fighting back the fever!!!
hope you feel better

August 19, 2009 at 4:12:00 PM EDT  
Blogger unMuse said...

random advice from a random reader:

alternate tylenol night-time (help you sleep) and motrin every 4-6 hours. Also, if you can, drink something with salt in it (electrolytes) it will help you from getting so dehydrated you have to go to the ER and get an IV.

I spiked a 103 fever a few months back and it was hell. If I'd had more energy, I would have been stabby.

August 19, 2009 at 5:42:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Antelope said...

Definitely don't use love juice. I read a story once about strep penis. I think that about says it all.

August 19, 2009 at 7:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous mrs.strombo said...

2 years, 10 months and there's no ring on her finger. really? c'mon Dan.

August 19, 2009 at 8:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Sara said...

Hope you feel better. The post had me LOL and reminded me when Google diagnosed me with tapeworms. Good times. My husband pops a fever randomly and sleeping and the pigbacking Tylenol and Motrin does the trick.

August 20, 2009 at 9:54:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

were you giving or receiving? just sayin'.

August 20, 2009 at 3:55:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Scotttsdale Girl said...

Ugh who can EAT when you have a fever? Bleh

August 20, 2009 at 6:33:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mom always said it's starve a fever because if your fever is high enough things like dairy will basically curdle in your stomach and just make you feel worse. No clue if this was just her bullshitting me or if it was passed down to her as a kid, too...

August 24, 2009 at 2:37:00 AM EDT  

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