Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Reader Contribution: The Worst Thing Said on a Date UPDATE! with Winner (Loser?)

"I like to Sea-Doo."
- Jenny K., August 21, 2004, before the appetizer even arrived.

(Share yours in the comments. Best one gets posted so everyone can pity you.)

Third Place: Peterdewolf

"I want to take you home to meet my parents."
- While making out on first date.

Second Place: Sparkle

"But I've been thinking about you all week!"
- On our second date when I told him I wasn't going to be having sex with him.

Winner: Natasha

"I actually have 3 kids, not 2 like I said before."
- (No context necessary.)

Natasha, from everyone here at [redacted] I would just like to say that you deserve better than a guy who loses track of how many kids he has. Good luck!

30 Comments:

Blogger Meg said...

I'm on a date with this guy. We're about to share an appetizer. He holds up his hands and says, "my hands are clean. I mean it's not like I have anal lube on them or anything."

Seriously.

August 4, 2009 at 12:58:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Tessa said...

Before we even left my house to the restaurant for lunch, "Oh yeah, my car doesn't have air conditioning." 115 degrees outside during the middle of the day in the middle of the summer in Phoenix, AZ.

August 4, 2009 at 12:59:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous The Maiden Metallurgist said...

On a first date "Some girls think it's weird, but I like to pee sitting down."

August 4, 2009 at 12:59:00 PM EDT  
Blogger unMuse said...

First date, met at a tapas bar..

"I only have $20, but I've got weed at my house."

August 4, 2009 at 1:07:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

I don't know unMuse - sounds like a real gentleman to me.

And The Maiden Metallurgist is disqualified due to the fact that I too enjoy sitting down to pee, though in your defense I waited until the fourth date to tell Brooke.

August 4, 2009 at 1:17:00 PM EDT  
OpenID peterdewolf said...

On a first date:

Her: "I want to take you home to meet my parents."

Me: "Uh huh. Is this some kind of Chinese puzzle bra?"

August 4, 2009 at 1:19:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

first date.

Him: "You know, I never would have asked you out if you'd been pretty."

the next day, I got a profanity-laced email from him accusing me of misrepresenting myself & being a dumb bitch, etc., etc. because I refused to have sex with him after that. also, he was bald, 40, unemployed & married (but separated).

August 4, 2009 at 1:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Antelope said...

Also first date, when the check came and I reached for my wallet:

"No, it's ok. My mom told me to take someone out."

Uh........

Yeah, I married him.

August 4, 2009 at 1:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Jessalyn said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 4, 2009 at 1:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dan said...

I don't think we're allowed to pity you if you married the guy, Gazelle. But I'll check my Martha Stewart's Guide to Pity to be sure.

August 4, 2009 at 1:48:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Toni said...

In my living room before heading out to dinner. Date 2.

Him: "Go fix your lips. I like my women to wear lipstick."

August 4, 2009 at 1:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sparkle said...

on our second date when i told him i wasn't going to be having sex with him he said, "but i've been thinking about you all week!"

and when i laughed and said that didn't mean i owed him anything he disagreed then said in a disappointed voice, "you're going to make me work for it, aren't you?"

let me tell you, that one ended really quickly. i never saw him or answered a call from him again. plus, i found out later, he spit out his chew in my housemates toilet and didn't flush! Epic, epic fail.

August 4, 2009 at 1:53:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anna said...

On why my first date with a guy wasn't a dinner date: "Well, I go to bed really early since I wake up at 4am everyday to chew on flax seeds and raw oats, then I go back to bed to "astally travel" for a few hours."

A different first date: "My uncle got rid of his cock fighting ring because it's now a felony and not a misdemeanor and he says he's too old to go to jail."

August 4, 2009 at 3:25:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous RSP said...

Tessa: No way.

Second Date:
Him: emerges from his closet with a vibrator and asks me to buttsecks him with it. (sorry I don't think there is a delicate way to say that)

Me:...uh that is more like 3rd date stuff dontcha think buddy?

August 4, 2009 at 3:52:00 PM EDT  
Blogger STP said...

When the check came, "Halfsies?"

August 4, 2009 at 4:37:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I put any of these on ReasonsWhyIDumpedYou.com?

August 4, 2009 at 4:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Trent said...

"That reminds me of this guy I used to date, he took me on this awesome trip camping and floating the river. I wonder what hes doing now..." Apparently she had fond memories of about half a dozen guys she used to date in the last six months and she wanted to let me know about all of them.

August 4, 2009 at 5:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger 01TJ said...

Second date:
"I just have to stop a couple places to unload this weed."

August 4, 2009 at 6:09:00 PM EDT  
Blogger CJ said...

wait....people go on dates????

August 4, 2009 at 6:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger The Dumped Diary said...

As I was walking out of a very gay bar in West Hollywood after drinks with friends I was stopped in the parking lot by the straightest guy ever (read: tapered jeans and a shirt saying "Gap" across the chest) asking if I was single. He had a friend I just must meet (um, dude I just tripped and fell onto the trunk of a strangers car and may have a cigarette burn on the back of my dress). Drunk on apple martinis (it was 2002) and having just spent an evening at what felt like a zoo (I could look but not touch), I accepted.

The friend called me the next day at work (super eager beaver) to discuss our plans. He had the highest pitched voice I've ever heard on a man. After telling me he's a lawyer by-day screen writer by-night (effing LA), he continues to tell me he is very short, but very rich (owns a house with a pool house). For a man to say he's very short, one must assume he is a Little Person (eh, Midget... what's "okay" these days).

So I go to meet short high pitched guy at a Beverly Hills "let's do lunch" place. I walk in and there he is, all 5'1 of him. Hey, I'm not tall either, but 5'5 on a woman is one thing, 5'1 on a man is very very little. We sit at our table amongst the shiny, beautiful and tall and I think, "I can handle this. Maybe this guy has a huge heart, loves to hike and has a dog". No way. The guy is a horrible, egotistical, a-hole. He insults the waiter, corrects my grammar and eats off my plate without asking.

When the bill comes he reaches for it and says, "No, please, it's my pleasure". I sigh, "maybe he's not such a bad guy" (pathetic I know, but dating in LA is awful!). He then says, "Don't worry I'm going to expense it anyhow". Really, I think, okay, it's one thing to write off a meal as business, it's another thing to tell the person you're on a date with that you're going to submit their salad and chicken sandwich to such and such law firm. Wow, an a-hole, cheap and unethical. What a gem!

He then grabs my hand as we walk out and says, "let's take a walk". I look down into his lazy eye (yep,, a lazy eye too) and say, "Um, I have a meeting at um... (looking at watch), ten minutes ago". This guy called me three more times (once an hour after lunch). I also heard from the guy that set us up, looking for a "friend" to come to dinner at his house to meet his wife. Dating in LA is the worst thing I've ever put myself through, so I moved to NY.

Sorry for the long post. I have a million dating stories and my friends are over hearing them!

August 4, 2009 at 9:29:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Vegas Princess said...

After we had had one drink at the bar: "So how many more drinks do you need before I get some because I only brought forty bucks."

August 4, 2009 at 11:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Rachel said...

On a second date, we were making out and then when things started to get interesting he stopped it and said, "You know sometimes, when it's late in the day, and I've already pleasured myself in the shower..." HE HAD MASTURBATED TO THE POINT WHERE HE COULDN'T GET IT UP TWICE.

August 5, 2009 at 12:28:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Alyson said...

A first date with a guy in Manhattan who told me he worked in the fashion industry (yes, I know this should have been a warning sign...I found out later by "fashion industry" he meant on the shipping dock loading boxes of designer jeans into trucks). Anyway, went to a movie and when we got into the theater he quickly moved towards the last row and counted out the seats to the exact middle. We sit down and I say jokingly, "Oh, so you've got favorite seats huh?" He replies, "I have to sit here, the voices tell me I can't have people behind me."

August 5, 2009 at 9:54:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Erin said...

After spilling every intimate detail of his painful divorce, right down to the fact that his ex-wife moved out and took a box of condoms with her, and do I think that means she cheated on him, this dude said: "I don't trust women." Runner-up, from the same date: "I like to do other people's taxes. It's fun."

August 5, 2009 at 10:22:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Natasha said...

"I actually have 3 kids, not 2 like I said before."

August 5, 2009 at 11:24:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous LovelyLotus said...

First date: "The one bad thing about Asian chicks (strike 1) is that they all have small boobies. (strike 2) If things go well, I wouldn't mind buying you some down the road." (you're out)

August 5, 2009 at 2:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Kat said...

Fourth or fifth date:

"By the way, sorry I didn't answer when you called the other day, I was arguing with my girlfriend. It wasn't really a good time..."

August 5, 2009 at 2:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger LiLu said...

Blind date.

Guy's tooth fell out ONTO THE TABLE mid-sentence.

He said "Excuse me," scooped it up, and KEPT TALKING.

August 5, 2009 at 4:02:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Natasha said...

I WON!!!!!! And here I was thinking that that date was a complete waste of my time. Thanks [redacted]!

August 6, 2009 at 3:04:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ms. A said...

Fist date, after dinner, on second round of drinks at bar:

"So, you ready to take it later?"

Text message after another first date with a self-described "author": "Had a kewl time tonight! Let's do it again soon!"

Text message after ANOTHER first date that happened to take place a couple of days before Haloween 2005: "Had fun. Spooky kisses."

I'm still single.

August 7, 2009 at 4:16:00 PM EDT  

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