Tuesday, November 10, 2009

30 Things I've Learned By The Time I Turned 30

This past weekend I turned 30. Unlike most sitcom characters and women on Jdate, I wasn't afraid of turning 30. Like the national deficit or the amount of times I've taken a girl's virginity, it's just a number. It's not like I'm an NFL running back, right, predominantly female readership?

But 30 is a good opportunity to take a look back and survey the scene. See what you've done (got molested in Asia), what you haven't (ridden a tiger), and, most importantly, what you've learned.

1. It's not how long you last in the sack, it's how much you can get done.

2. No, you'll never use all that math you learned; and if you have to, there's an app for that.

3. A man should have either a woman or a dog.

4. The best way to settle an argument between two friends is to make a preposterous argument yourself so that they will be forced to align against you. For example, if two girls are arguing over which one has the better fashion sense, you claim that you have the best fashion sense and they will join forces to mock your Pumas.

5. Yogurt is much more delicious than you remember it being.

6. Oatmeal is not.

7. You don't take movie recommendations from the ticket seller, so why take food recommendations from your waiter?

8. Have music on.

9. Never ask a woman the same question twice, but always inquire more than once. Use different words, and follow the second answer.

10. If you have to punch someone, do it in the nose.

11. Drink the good liquor.

12. Read the hard books.

13. Don't wear socks if you don't have to.

14. Relax, no one's going to poke their eye out.

15. A list of things not worth the extra money: orchestra seats, organic cucumbers, designer underwear (men only), imported Swiss cheese, premium gasoline, brand name recordable CDs, a porn website membership, hardcover books, long-lasting batteries, valet parking, additional identity theft protection, souvenir cups, next-day delivery.

16. Something you wouldn't think is worth the extra money but is: premium paper towels.

17. Poetry is for reading, not writing.

18. There's nothing better than a good action movie.

19. When complimenting a woman, think small not big. Eyes instead of hair; necklace instead of dress; laugh instead of sense of humor.

20. Organic macaroni and cheese.

21. Sometimes judging a book by its cover is just a good time saver.

22. On a road trip, the person not driving has an inherent responsibility to navigate regardless of how tired they might be. Conversely, the driver has an inherent responsibility to know where the hell they are going.

23. Yes to writing love letters. No to quoting song lyrics in them.

24. Every relationship is allowed two and only two break-ups.

25. Avoid movie quotes and the people who use them to describe complex personal emotions. (eg. I don't know if I should take the job. But it's like Andy Dufrense says: Get busy living or get busy dying.)

26. Overrated: Make-up sex. Underrated: Quiet sex.

27. There's no point in having a credit card without a rewards program.

28. Television is not bad for you.

29. Vegetables over fruit.

30. Two words: face moisturizer.


Blogger Nicole said...

I think your code went a little wonky, Dan.

November 10, 2009 at 12:21:00 PM EST  
Blogger Nicole said...

I think you could take # 19 on Oprah and make a million, bazillion dollars. Well done, sir.

November 10, 2009 at 12:28:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sara said...

You have me stumped on organic mac and cheese.

Great list! The 3-0 is a bigger deal for women than men, I think. Hope you had a Happy Birthday!

My husband turns 31 this Saturday. His 30th year was okay, my 30th year, reminded me of HS, I never want to experience it again.

November 10, 2009 at 12:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jadeny said...

So true on the paper towels. Living with pets will teach you that the hard way!

November 10, 2009 at 12:43:00 PM EST  
Blogger Antelope said...

Good list.

That is all.

November 10, 2009 at 1:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger Joe said...

Put down the copy of Cosmo, turn off Oprah and step away from the t.v.

Your man card has been pulled.

November 10, 2009 at 2:05:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

Happy belated birthday! Also, I'm older than you so I'd like to fix a few things on your list. 1.) Orchestra Seats ARE worth the extra if the alternative is the nosebleeds.
2.) Swiss cheese, if you're just having a slice vs. dumping it in a quiche or throwing it on a sandwich, go with the imported.

Otherwise, pretty impressive bit of knowledge you've accumulated in your brief time on the planet.

November 10, 2009 at 2:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger Andrew said...

I feel like I've learned so much by reading this. Thank you, Dan. I hope I am able to look back in 7 years & see things the way you do.

November 10, 2009 at 2:45:00 PM EST  
Blogger ruby said...

i have to disagree about the valet parking item.. SO worth it in LA when you live in heels. but you don't and don't... so nevermind.

November 10, 2009 at 3:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Weims319 said...

Love #19, made me swoon a bit LOL

November 10, 2009 at 3:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger Toe said...

Very good list.

November 10, 2009 at 4:02:00 PM EST  
Blogger auntiekim said...

Bravo! This list is fantastic. Brooke's a lucky girl. Hope your bday was memorable.

November 10, 2009 at 5:09:00 PM EST  
Blogger d said...

31. you can never suck up to the ladies enough (apparently).

no. 8 cannot be stressed enough.

November 10, 2009 at 6:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Poodle said...

three words: i love you. two more: happy birthday.

November 10, 2009 at 6:42:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your list. It isn't perfect and it's not what I would have expected and that is what makes it great.

November 11, 2009 at 10:10:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your list. It isn't perfect and it's not what I would have expected and that is what makes it great.

November 11, 2009 at 10:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger Brooke said...

Who are you writing love letters to? I've never received one - with or without song lyrics.

November 11, 2009 at 10:11:00 AM EST  
Blogger Drew B. Dope said...

Lol always drink the good liquor! I learned that before 19 lol.

November 11, 2009 at 10:23:00 AM EST  
Blogger Vanessa said...

As much as I love downloading porn illegally, I've always found porn memberships worth the money.

November 11, 2009 at 12:18:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admire the way in which you took turning 30 like a man.

My birthday is next week, and I am considering spending the day weeping under my bed.

November 11, 2009 at 1:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2009 - tick, tick, tick.

November 11, 2009 at 3:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger Amber said...

I came down with a 24 hour flu the day of my 30th birthday. When I had to cancel my dinner plans due to vomiting, one of my friends, who is 36, said, "Well, your 30s don't get any better."

November 11, 2009 at 3:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Megan said...

Love it!

November 11, 2009 at 6:23:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was really good.

#19 is out of the park. Amazing.

November 12, 2009 at 1:35:00 PM EST  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

This list was a pleasant surprise. I found myself nodding along like I was someone in a stereotypical church scene in a movie where someone learns a life lesson.

Anyway, Happy 30th.

November 12, 2009 at 5:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous nic said...

I agree- #19 is right on the money. Hell, a lot of them are actually...the one about poetry, the other one about love letters, oh and the one about socks. Absolutely.

I'm turning 30 next June and have already started asking myself what the hell I've learned. So far I've got spend the money on good eye cream.

Great list!

November 13, 2009 at 2:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

You're going to love this year; 30 is the new 25. Unfortunately 31 is the new 48.

November 13, 2009 at 5:44:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I imagine that the only thing worse than turning 30 is turning 33... because then you can no longer say you "just turned 30", you're no longer in your early 30s, but entering your mid-30s, which comes with the sickening realization that 40 is just around the corner.

And while 30 may be the new 20, 40 is still old.

November 14, 2009 at 12:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Andrea said...

I firmly believe that a man is never hotter than when he is 30 years old.

November 16, 2009 at 1:26:00 AM EST  
Blogger Who is this Writer? said...

Now you start to unlearn things until you get back to zero.

November 16, 2009 at 5:24:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jenni said...

Your wisdom exceeds your age, grasshopper. I can write this because a). I am three and a half years older than you and b). Number 16 is quite possibly the most accurate thing I've read...Ever.

November 20, 2009 at 3:18:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kate said...

Fantastic list! Hope you're birthday was a great one.

December 1, 2009 at 4:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger eda said...




December 2, 2009 at 3:24:00 AM EST  
Blogger Gemini Prefect said...

i'm a little late on this but i hope you had a lovely birthday.

and after reading this list i have to say that, despite you being practically an infant and like, in a relationship and, you know, on the interwebs and all, i love you. i have always love since the olden days, and will continue to do so in the future.

that is all.

December 2, 2009 at 5:27:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dana said...

Hey Dan, so now that you're 30 you've retired? :notsosubtlehint:

December 3, 2009 at 11:18:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so you guys are moving back to NYC?


December 4, 2009 at 8:45:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow on the daily candy thing. at least you guys had a great spell in miami!

December 6, 2009 at 6:12:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does is totally suck to have to move back to NY? I hear it's 80 in Miami and 40 in NY today. That is two very different kinds of Christmas. Good luck though.

December 8, 2009 at 9:04:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Good list. I feel like I just learned 30 things in 30 seconds.

December 10, 2009 at 10:35:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you dead or worse, kidnapped? Its been more than a month - send smoke signals or ask for help - we miss you

December 14, 2009 at 11:52:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When you turned 30 did you forget how to continue posts..... how I hate the delay in posts!! :)

December 16, 2009 at 1:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

Dear Dan:

I miss you. Not in a weird, stalker-y kind of way, but in a man-I-need-a-laugh-this-time-of-year-and-a-new-redacted-post-would-sure-hit-the-spot kind of way. Not that it's all about me ... you probably have a lot going on this time of year too, plus I'm sure actually living your life is sometimes more important than writing about it. But maybe at least let us, your loyal readers, know you're still alive?

December 16, 2009 at 6:14:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somebody needs to go stalk Dan down and give us a report. I'd volunteer but that would mean getting dressed and leaving the house.

This is worse than the time he nearly died in typhoon in some Asian country!


December 20, 2009 at 9:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger Christina said...

I really hope you haven't quit blogging (again). I enjoy your posts and need the laughter I burst into from reading them. Hopefully you're just tied up with the holidays and your move. In any case, drop the blog a line and let us know what's up...please.

December 20, 2009 at 11:53:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why have you left me?

December 25, 2009 at 3:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bubu said...

I‘d like to invite you to visit my fashion blog:


Thank you :).

December 28, 2009 at 6:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Bubu said...

Hello Friend, I love love love your blog, it‘s very interesting!!! I really like your style!! i‘ll visit you many times for sure honey.

December 28, 2009 at 6:01:00 PM EST  
Blogger Kas said...

Has anyone heard from Dan? Is he alive? Where are Brook and Puppy?? (especially - where is Puppy???)

We miss you!

December 29, 2009 at 5:12:00 PM EST  
Blogger Todd HellsKitchen said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 1, 2010 at 1:34:00 PM EST  
Blogger Todd HellsKitchen said...

Happy New Year!!!

Postcards from Hell's Kitchen blog.

January 1, 2010 at 1:36:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan dear, are you in the midst of preparing your wedding with Brooke? Which is why the absence......?

Miss your posts, come back soon! xoxo

January 3, 2010 at 11:45:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay, Daniel, you've got to be moved back to NYC by now. Puppy can't possibly be happy about not being on the blog in months.

Update us, and take heart in the fact that you can go back counting the day til whatever you call the first warm day up in the frozen tundra...nipple day? ;0

address your peeps, dude!


January 4, 2010 at 10:48:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan's mummy normally will post a comment or two, no?

Dan's mummy, where in the world is Dan?

We miss him! Hope he is fine...Please reply if you can....

January 5, 2010 at 12:17:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I miss you too Dan!!! I´m losing hope! Please come back!!!

January 5, 2010 at 2:25:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jillian said...

Dan- I can stand it no longer. You are dead to me*spat*

January 7, 2010 at 12:28:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan - I quit you... LOL

I KID please come backkkkkkkkkkkk

January 7, 2010 at 1:26:00 PM EST  
Anonymous book owl said...

Dear Dan,

I had a wonderful time reading your blog. However, since we have now hit two months without a peep from you, I'm officially removing you from my bookmarks. I do this with great sadness, but I can't keep clicking here in futility, hoping you've posted. I feel like a teenage girl waiting by the phone.

Best of luck in the future!

January 8, 2010 at 7:49:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe sending Dan a message on Facebook will get him back on the blog?


January 9, 2010 at 1:18:00 AM EST  
Blogger nyc said...

come back!

January 12, 2010 at 6:22:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

he's a blogger, his need for attention and written expression will have him come back for sure!

but they're probably busy trying to get their life together again in new york. Finding an apartment alone is a nightmare, let alone a new job, etc.

January 12, 2010 at 10:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger Andrew said...

The lack of posts is making me so sad.

January 15, 2010 at 6:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous MagicMagic said...

Dan Dan Dan,

You always blogged about award shows and I really hope we will get to read your latest post about today's Golden Globes.

Where in the world are you??!!!


January 17, 2010 at 11:03:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm missing your bachelor updates!


January 20, 2010 at 2:49:00 PM EST  
Anonymous kianso said...

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Fare well!

January 21, 2010 at 4:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger Amy said...

Dear Dan,

Please don't forget to blog. I miss your posts.

~Amy :)

January 22, 2010 at 4:47:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to catch up on your blog once a month so that I'd have a lot to read. There's been nothing new the last two times!!! What's going on???

January 22, 2010 at 6:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger craftywave said...

I definitely miss your wit and humour! Come back soon!

January 24, 2010 at 1:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger georgie said...

where are you?!?!!?

January 25, 2010 at 2:27:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How could you just leave us like that without even a proper goodbye??!

Brooke, Puppy, say something?!!!

January 26, 2010 at 12:16:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I found him....

January 26, 2010 at 9:31:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But that means he's single....is that even possible??? or maybe a media trick to get work? This is upsetting no matter how you look at it!

Canadian Queen

January 29, 2010 at 1:02:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lemondrop, what?

I don't think that's him. sorry, kids. :o(

February 2, 2010 at 10:03:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can anyone suggest other blogs to fill the void? I can't find any I enjoy as much as Dan's.

February 2, 2010 at 12:42:00 PM EST  
Blogger El Neuchador said...

I'm going through withdrawal, but I just keep telling myself that you're stocking up on witty stories about your move to post later.

February 7, 2010 at 7:39:00 AM EST  
Anonymous mother said...

It's time I spoke - Dan, Brooke and precious Puppy are fine and living in NYC. A new adventure has begun for them and it is all good.

I'm sure new blogs are to come.

Have faith and lots of patience.

February 7, 2010 at 8:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan's mom has spoken!!!!

February 8, 2010 at 9:28:00 AM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

Awwww, thanks Dan's mom!

February 8, 2010 at 3:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger craftywave said...

Thanks Dan's Mom!

February 8, 2010 at 6:08:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Dan's Mom, indeed!! Glad to hear everyone is A-OK!!

Canadian Queen

February 9, 2010 at 11:50:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While we wait for Dan to pick up the slack and start his musings again, might I suggest another blog to fill you reading time - Milk and Honey - right here at blogspot. I sense some fierce familial competition.

February 11, 2010 at 8:58:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't believe mother. there is no way dan could be ignoring all this bachelor drama. clearly he was hit by a bus or something.


February 15, 2010 at 11:35:00 AM EST  

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