This past weekend I turned 30. Unlike most sitcom characters and women on Jdate, I wasn't afraid of turning 30. Like the national deficit or the amount of times I've taken a girl's virginity, it's just a number. It's not like I'm an NFL running back, right, predominantly female readership?
But 30 is a good opportunity to take a look back and survey the scene. See what you've done (got molested in
1. It's not how long you last in the sack, it's how much you can get done.
2. No, you'll never use all that math you learned; and if you have to, there's an app for that.
3. A man should have either a woman or a dog.
4. The best way to settle an argument between two friends is to make a preposterous argument yourself so that they will be forced to align against you. For example, if two girls are arguing over which one has the better fashion sense, you claim that you have the best fashion sense and they will join forces to mock your Pumas.
5. Yogurt is much more delicious than you remember it being.
6. Oatmeal is not.
7. You don't take movie recommendations from the ticket seller, so why take food recommendations from your waiter?
8. Have music on.
9. Never ask a woman the same question twice, but always inquire more than once. Use different words, and follow the second answer.
10. If you have to punch someone, do it in the nose.
11. Drink the good liquor.
12. Read the hard books.
13. Don't wear socks if you don't have to.
14. Relax, no one's going to poke their eye out.
15. A list of things not worth the extra money: orchestra seats, organic cucumbers, designer underwear (men only), imported Swiss cheese, premium gasoline, brand name recordable CDs, a porn website membership, hardcover books, long-lasting batteries, valet parking, additional identity theft protection, souvenir cups, next-day delivery.
16. Something you wouldn't think is worth the extra money but is: premium paper towels.
17. Poetry is for reading, not writing.
18. There's nothing better than a good action movie.
19. When complimenting a woman, think small not big. Eyes instead of hair; necklace instead of dress; laugh instead of sense of humor.
20. Organic macaroni and cheese.
21. Sometimes judging a book by its cover is just a good time saver.
22. On a road trip, the person not driving has an inherent responsibility to navigate regardless of how tired they might be. Conversely, the driver has an inherent responsibility to know where the hell they are going.
23. Yes to writing love letters. No to quoting song lyrics in them.
24. Every relationship is allowed two and only two break-ups.
25. Avoid movie quotes and the people who use them to describe complex personal emotions. (eg. I don't know if I should take the job. But it's like Andy Dufrense says: Get busy living or get busy dying.)
26. Overrated: Make-up sex. Underrated: Quiet sex.
27. There's no point in having a credit card without a rewards program.
28. Television is not bad for you.
29. Vegetables over fruit.
30. Two words: face moisturizer.