8:04 p.m. Dan: Why does everyone run into each other’s arms on this show? I like to picture an assistant producer standing off camera like, “Okay, get ready to run in 3, 2, 1 – go! Run to him!”
8:06 p.m. Dan: “Can we see who gets it in the hole first?” ZING?
Brooke: “Look at me! I'm good with kids! I talk in a happy voice! This is what I'm like all the time!" Melissa gives women a bad name. I will break her.
8:08 p.m. Brooke: Oh shit. A lamb. Now I'm really moved. Seriously, no sarcasm. I love lamb.
Dan: I’ll give Melissa this – she’s good with on-the-spot jokes.
8:12 p.m. Our friend Allison via IM: Are they having lamb for dinner?
8:14 p.m. Brooke: Ugh, again making a big deal about Jason never having met Melissa's family. Whatever. If I had kept Dan away from my family, we'd be married by now. Point: Melissa.
Dan: In what world is it more weird that a girl’s parents don’t want to go on television to vet the future husband she met on a reality TV show?
8:17 p.m. Dan: Whoa! Melissa gets the first DeAnna comparison, though oddly no one has yet pointed out that she’s DeAnna Light.
8:20 p.m. Brooke: One day, Jason will look like his dad. You heard it here first.
8:21 p.m. Dan: Melissa rocked that family visit. But it if were me, I would have sealed it with a handjob. Over the pants is fine. It’s the thought that counts.
8:28 p.m. Brooke: The best Molly ever looked was the morning after the sleepover when she wasn't covered in gobs of eye makeup.
8:29 Dan: Uh oh. It looks like Ty went autistic at the sight of Molly. Then he clearly tried to throw the frisbee in her face.
Brooke: Not weird for a kid at all. Here's another woman holding Daddy's hand. Totally unfair to go second.
8:31 p.m. Brooke: They make it as though having kids is all running on the beach and playing gold instead of changing diapers and listening to them cry.
Dan: And then growing up to hate you even though you worked so hard on a reality TV show to find them a mom.
8:37 Dan: Where is Ty during these family meetings? Off set with the interns? He’s going to start thinking Daddy’s getting him a new mom, plus a few aunts and uncles, and one grandpa who looks at him kind of funny.
8:39 Dan: Wait, Molly. NO ONE would be surprised that you met your husband by beating out 20 other women on a television show? Like, in your high school yearbook people wrote, “Good luck falling in love once reality TV takes really takes off!”
8:40 p.m. Brooke: Molly says to Dad and bro, "I already had my wild party time. Wild." Dad and bro: picturing her naked.
8:42 p.m. Dan: Jason’s sister is a poor woman’s Ari Gold’s wife.
8:43 p.m. Brooke: A career?! One of these girls mentions their career?! Give the girl a freakin' medal.
8:45 p.m. Brooke: HOLY SHIT. Is this happening? Did the mom just say Molly's career was a deterrent. What year is this?
Dan: 1950 – that’s the twist ending!
8:47 p.m. Dan: I think Molly puts out more than Melissa.
8:48: OMG. They just show Jason and Melissa in bed together naked! What year is this?
Dan: I stand corrected.
8:51 p.m. Brooke: It's the Bachelor: The Messy Ponytail Edition. Girls, try another hair style.
8:52 p.m. Brooke: What you don't know during Melissa's call with her mom – no one's on the other end.
8:53 p.m. Dan: Brooke always says that she doesn’t want to have girl babies. I think this show is why.
8:57 p.m. Dan: I’m convinced Melissa used to be fat.
Our friend Allison via IM: Melissa didn't used to be fat, but Molly will be.
8:59 p.m. Dan: “Melissa, I’ve never felt this way (under breath) since yesterday with Molly.”
9:00 p.m. Brooke: They weren't naked in the coming attractions. Melissa was just wearing a tube top. Much more embarrassing.
Dan: Though Molly seems ready to give “110%” of herself to him. That apparently means sex with oil.
9:04 p.m. Dan: Those rainy season travel discounts really backfired.
9:06 p.m. Dan: So. Many. Crotch shots.
9:08 p.m. Dan: Brooke has taken a break for snacks. Meanwhile, Molly is like the perfect amount of whore. She’s a tough competitor.
9:09 p.m. Brooke: Vomit. Did she really make him a fairy tale book. I am embarrassed for her. Is she going to sign his yearbook, too?
(equally embarrassed for her)
9:16 p.m. Dan: They need to make a show out of Jason and the winner watching the finale together where he repeatedly says, “I’m in love with two women.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he was rubbing genitals with both of them right up to the proposal.
9:18 p.m. Dan: Jason to Melissa, “What are you doing in New Zealand?” Like it’s a huge coincidence?
9:20 p.m. Dan: DeAnna still has the signature head bob while talking. The extra 15 pounds are new, though.
Brooke: Who dressed DeAnna? Ann Taylor.
Dan: How long before DeAnna does an STD med commercial. Two months?
9:21 p.m. Brooke: Wow. An honest moment. Jason looks really stunned that Deanna wants to be with him. I didn't see this coming. I wonder how much the producers paid her.
9:24 p.m. Brooke: Armpit hair commercial! Armpit hair commercial! I feel like I'm the only one seeing this.
9:28 p.m. Brooke: Thank goodness they are showing the montages of Melissa and Molly. I had forgot all about them.
9.30 p.m. Dan: “What ring represents them?” Fantastic. Buying a ring that works for both girls is just solid game planning.
9:31 p.m. Dan: “Molly is like oxygen.” Oxygen is tough to beat.
9:33 p.m. Brooke: Just a thought, if you're not sure which woman you want to propose to, perhaps you're not ready to get married.
9:34 p.m. Dan: Rumor has it that all the good shit goes down after 10:00 p.m. on “After the Rose.” Rumor also has it that I am losing masculinity by the second!
9:35 p.m. Brooke: Why are they both dressed for prom?
Dan: And Melissa suddenly looks Latina.
9:38 p.m. Dan: My official bet is in – it’s Melissa. Brooke refuses to make a bet because “they’re trying to trick us!” Brooke hates being tricked.
9:40 p.m. Brooke: It's happening! It's happening!
Our friend Allison via IM: Whose limo will arrive first!?!?!?!? Who is in that car!??! . . . Molly!!!
Dan: It’s never the first one!
9:42 p.m. Brooke: I take it back. I want Molly! Molly. (I always root for the underdog.)
Dan: She’s got “those eyes,” which are apparently stronger than real eyes.
9:43 p.m. Brooke: He's such a weakling. Man up, Jason.
Dan: Listen Molly, you oiled him up. You did all you could. Bow out gracefully.
9:45 p.m. Dan: That is a really long, awkward walk to the car. I would have been like, “It’s right over there. (Pointing.) The black one.”
9:47 p.m. Brooke: Seriously, wuss boy, crying! You're on TV.
9:47:30 p.m. Brooke: Oh, he's actually making crying sounds too. Pathetic.
9:48 p.m. Dan: OK, Molly’s claims that Jason is going to learn the hard way that he made a mistake are borderline threats. Hmm, I do like a girl with spunk . . .
9:50 p.m. Brooke: Something dramatic better happen. This is not "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever."
9:57 p.m. Dan: Chris Harrison, nice poker face on the walk over to Jason.
9:59 p.m. Dan: This is exactly how I want my proposal to go. Exactly. Right down to the part where I offer her a rose at the end, just to remind her that this whole thing was a game.
10:03 p.m. Brooke: "All of America just watched Jason propose?" I hope some people are watching C-SPAN.
Dan: Just a nice, intimate affair. No one in the audience; 20 million viewers at home.
10:04 p.m. Brooke: He's going to cry again!
10:05 p.m. Dan: Wait, is he going to break up with Melissa on national television? Like on Jerry Springer?
10:06 p.m. Dan: I’M HYPERVENTILATING JUST LIKE THEY SAID I WOULD.
10:06 p.m. Dan: This is almost too sad to live blog. Almost.
10.08 p.m. Brooke: I have a thing for Chris Harrison.
10:09 p.m. Dan: Shit, fan. Fan, shit.
10:15 p.m. Brooke: In front of Chris?! He's going to do it with Chris sitting right there?
Dan: Chris is nothing if not professional.
10:16 p.m. Dan: All they’re doing is setting up Melissa to be the ultimate Bachelorette. And she’s gonna hand out bang cards left and right. And they’re gonna have Jason’s picture on them. And he’ll be being humped by a mule.
10:19 p.m. Brooke: She just called him a bastard under her breath. Finally, some fight out of Melissa. This chick is growing on me.
10:20 p.m. Dan: Chris Harrison: “Emotions are running hot. Let’s take a break for a word from our sponsors.”
10:22 p.m. Dan: The set is like the most awkward place for a break-up ever. And I once broke up with a girl in Taco Bell.
10:24 p.m. Dan: Rumor has it that this was a set up. (No kidding.) Jason wanted Molly from day one, but producers made him pick Melissa and then break up with her. She was just a pawn in their ratings game. Somebody get Obama on the phone, because that’s some shady shit.
10:25 p.m. Brooke: I can't believe he just did that to her. It was actually cruel. He could have at least called her the day before, given her a heads up.
10:28 p.m. Dan: To Melissa’s credit, she handled that really well. I’ve dated girls who would have set me on fire with one of those candles if I pulled a stunt like that.
10:29 p.m. Dan: Hug him, Chris. You know you want to.
10:35 p.m. Brooke: Finally! She's wearing her hair down. She must seen how junky that side ponytail looked.
Dan: Yeah nice headband, home wrecker.
10:40 p.m. Brooke: I think she already knows. She's saying EXACTLY what you would say if you knew. "He's an incredible guy." "I hope every day he’ll change his mind." And, keeping it classy: "Melissa is an amazing girl."
10:43 p.m. Dan: They really dropped the ball on this one. Who is actually happy for Jason and Molly that they ended up together? It’s like being happy for Keyser Soze.
Brooke: It's not about people being happy for them. It's about ratings.
Dan: It’s about love, damnit, and they’re toying with it. (I’ve gone full gay.)
10:46 p.m. Dan: Ugh, Molly and Jason are reuniting now. I hope she tells him she gave him HIV.
10:47 p.m. Brooke: I mean, wouldn't she ask why there was no audience? She totally knows.
10:51 p.m. Dan: This is going to make it really complicated when people at cocktail parties ask “How’d you meet?”
10:58 p.m. Brooke: Ugh. They kiss. C'mon.
Dan: Melissa’s butt spot on the couch is still warm!
Brooke: Ugh. Tongue.
11:00 p.m. Dan: But I will hand it to them. It was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.