7:57 Brooke: I'm early. Also, Dan got Final Jeopardy.
7:59 Dan: Final high school Jeopardy. And none of the other kids got it. It’s the telegraph, assholes.
8:00 Brooke: WHAT?! (The screen was glitching. Brooke is on edge.)
8:01 Brooke: I'd like to start off by saying I'm completely uninterested in the outcome of this. Also, I'd bet Puppy that Ed wins and Kiptyn is the next bachelor.
8:02 Dan: EPIC RECAP. Behind Door #1 it’s a guy with rock hard abs, an endless array of ill-fitting suits, and a forehead with more character than a Paul Haggis script. Behind Door #2 a guy with erectile dysfunction who loves IT Consulting. It’s every girl’s dream!
8:05 Dan: Jillian and Ed are dancing around the E.D. issue so expertly that it should be nominated for an Emmy in outstanding choreography.
8:06 Brooke: What is he bringing Jillian’s parents? Is that, a rug?
8:09 Dan: Jillian’s mom is grilling Ed. His face is like, “This is harder than an IT consulting interview!”
8:10 Brooke: Ooh, starting off with "Do you want kids?" When Dan met my mom, she told him she didn't think I was the mother type.
8:12 Brooke: Who's dressing these people? It's like they're all in matching Island Casual attire. Awful.
8:13 Brooke: Jillan's cousin - like a hot Jillian.
8:14 Dan: Jillian is happy that things didn’t get awkward or weird. This voice dub is played over a clip of the entire family dancing the hula in coconut bras.
8:17 Brooke: Yellow again! Somebody get me the wardrobe consultant!
Dan: Jillian is happy that she “got to that place that she needed to” with Kiptyn. Can we please stop talking about soft penises? Please?
8:18 Dan: Jillian to Kiptyn: “My family is a lot like yours”? Does she have a second family? Like one that owns the first family?
8:20 Brooke: The fact that she thinks he's so hot confuses me. Has she seen those ears? It's liberating to objectify men.
8:21 Brooke: Mom asks "How important is communication?” What's he gonna say, It's not important? Way to lob softballs, Mom.
8:22 Dan: Yikes. Dad asks “Are you in love with Jill?” and Kiptyn responds, “I’m getting there.” It’s not like he asked, “Are you almost done remodeling the kitchen?” Just say yes.
8:25 Dan: Bandslam – High School Musical with instruments. Where can I invest?
8:29 Dan: Mom says both guys are “here for the right reasons.” Someone’s learned the lingo.
8:31 Dan: At this point, I think I’d rather listen to the family discuss Obama’s health care plan.
Brooke: You know what's a good show, So You Think You Can Dance.
8:33 Dan: The cousin says that sex is “a big thing, a very big thing.” Why don’t they just punch Ed in the kidney and get it over with?
8:37 Brooke: No. Ed's wearing a tank top. Again. It's not ok, people. NOT OK.
8:38 Dan: While in a helicopter flying over volcanoes, Ed makes a joke about one of them erupting. Now you’re just asking for it, Ed.
Dan: Holy crap, Ed gets off on exploding volcanoes?
8:41 Brooke: Eeps. He's attacking her face with his tongue. And she was pulling back. If I was a body language expert in US Weekly, I'd say "Fail!"
8:42 Dan: All Ed ever talks about is how hot Jillian is. Personally, I think she’s an enigma. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Every so often the light catches her face a certain way and you can just tell that her face is expiring in about three years.
8:43 Dan: These two have done more kissing in water than dolphins. Horny ones.
8:44 Brooke: Ed, "I'm ready to take this to the next level." Translation: "I will show you my love with my cock."
8:45 Brooke: It's pretty pitiful. He's like the representative for every guy that couldn't get it up and asked for a second chance. That's how you know it's not reality. Cause in real life, those guys are branded impotent for life. And then you tell your friends.
8:45 (As Jillian and Ed shut the lights out in their room, the producers cut to a clip of a volcano exploding.)
Dan: Believe it.
8:48 Dan: The producers upped Kiptyn’s meds backstage, because now all he can talk about it how he wants to marry Jillian.
8:49 Dan: Jillian, “I need to know Kiptyn is in this for the long run.” (Cut to scene of speed boat taking off.)
8:50 Brooke: Uh oh. She just said "I love Kiptyn." What I said before about betting Puppy, I was just kidding. You can't hold me to that. You have no proof!
8:51 Dan: Does anyone else feel like Kiptyn is a bit rough with Jillian? Like Lenny?
8:52 Dan: Kiptyn and Jillian are out paddling on a long board. Even on Kiptyn’s date, Ed can’t escape his E.D.ness.
8:52 Brooke: Friend Amy texts in: "Are we sure Ed's not gay?" Friend Amy, though about ten minutes behind, makes a solid point.
Dan: That would explain his attitude of “I love everything about you except your scary vagina in the dark” towards Jillian.
8:56 Dan: The fact that Amy Adams is in a movie about blogging makes me hopeful for the day when Zac Efron will play me in [redacted]: Better than Brian DePalma’s Movie.
8:58 Dan: Kool-Aid promises “more smiles per gallon.” Hypoglycemia will do that to a person.
9:00 Brooke: “Hehehe. ‘Kiptyn’s always been the dumper!’”
9:01 Dan: Jillian has officially made her decision. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that it was The Hardest Decision She Has Ever Had To Make™. Meanwhile, Kiptyn and Ed choose their rings, which is the easiest decision ever because the network has already bought them (like in all good love stories).
9:04 Dan: Jillian is crying. Already. I just realized now that I stopped liking her at least four episodes ago.
9:05 Brooke: A white wedding dress? For the proposal? Ridiculous.
9:06 Brooke: OK, they're about to walk into the rose ceremony and we have an hour to go. They're going to have to stir up a lot of drama to make this work.
Dan: My guess is that it has something to do with a man whose name rhymes with “weed.”
9:09 Brooke: Friend Amy on delay: "Ew, they both picked the grossest rings." So true. That heart-shaped diamond was hids.
9:13 Brooke: How awesome would it be if she picked Chris Harrison!?!
9:14 Dan: Walking up to Jillian, Kiptyn says, “The impossible is possible.” (Sad trombone sound.)
9:14 Brooke: The producers must have arranged this with Kiptyn. Telling him to say he was going to propose, so he's a more sympathetic Bachelor. Bet on!
9:15 Dan: Jillian to Kiptyn: “I’ve fallen in love with someone else.” Kiptyn: “Hmm. This hurts.” (Bear hug.)
9:17 Dan: On the Limo Confessional Cam Kiptyn says he wishes he had more time to tell Jillian how he fe-
9:18 Dan: On to more important things – why would a girl want vibrating mascara? If there’s one body part where I want to keep all vibrating objects away from it’s my eye. No?
9:25 Dan: Jillian is really good at pulling off the smug look of “I’m so happy everything’s settled and there aren’t any surprises coming.” Even while the ominous music plays!
9:26 Dan: Reid comes out of a minivan and tells Chris that he made a huge mistake by getting kicked off. Then he goes out and hugs Jillian – but so passionately! And then he proceeds to say nothing. That’s so Reidy!
9:27 Brooke: Whoa. He's going to propose. And he had to pull strings to come back? Like say yes when the producers offered him 50k?
9:27 Brooke: They're both sweating profusely. How romantic.
9:28 Dan: Jillian, “Letting you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do, except when I let go of Kiptyn ten minutes ago.”
9:29 Dan: The producers are so pissed they couldn’t score the rights to “Don’t Stop Believing” for this scene.
9:30 Dan: Reid’s reason why he never had anything to say: “It’s indescribable because it’s meant to be.” You can’t argue with logic, Jillian!
9:31 Brooke: (Reid gets down on one knee and proposes.) Text from friend Amy, who has caught up: “Ahhhhhhhhh.”
9:32 Dan: Jillian, “I can’t make a decision like this!” She doesn’t even have her flowcharts.
9:33 Brooke: No! What?! It must be hard to say no to a proposal. We women are groomed to want to be proposed to. To want to put that ring on. When she saw it, she even looked confused. "Me want ring. Grrr!"
9:37 Dan: Friend Amy: "I hope she picks him. Good Jew."
Brooke: Friend Amy is Jewish, so that's not offensive.
9:39 Dan: ABC’s Fall line-up includes shows about cougars, witches, and gravity. What is this, 1960?
9:40 Brooke: Poor Reid. They're just making him stand out there in the sun, sweating.
9:41 Dan: Chris Harrison should have his own show called “Chris Harrison’s Emotional Advice.” And on the premier episode he should box Dr. Phil.
9:43 Dan: Reid: “How are you?” Jillian: “Emotional.” I think he was being rhetorical.
9:44 Dan: The way Jillian talks about this decision sounds just like how I sound when I talk about choosing what to have for dinner. That says something bad about one of us.
9:45 Brooke: Nice, Jillian. Now Reid will never open up again.
9:47 Brooke: I give Jillian and Ed a 50-50 shot. 50 percent they make it through the first round of publicity. 50 percent they don't.
9:48 Dan: Think of it this way, Reid. How many guys can say that the last two times they were dumped they were whisked away in a limousine? Not many!
9:49 Brooke: Anonymous commenter 4, I'll give you that the dress is pale pink. But still, a sweetheart neckline with a full skirt? It screams bridal.
Dan: Yes but what do you wear to the most pathetic moment of your life? Where is this month’s Martha Stewart Living when I need it!
9:53 Dan: DATING IN THE DARK! DATING IN THE DARK! Please tell me you saw that!
9:55 Dan: Ed calls Jillian kind, beautiful, funny. This is what Reid was never good at – adjectives.
9:57 Dan: Ed’s down on one knee and you can see it in Jillian’s eye: GREEN CARD!
9:58 Brooke: Oh god, that ring. Honestly, if after all that, he gave me that ring, I might cry. It's a heart-shaped diamond, for fuck's sake.
Dan: I heard it’s a blood diamond!
9:59 Brooke: Weird country song montage. They deserve this music.
Dan: The fact that the Jillian and Ed Music and Picture Montage doesn’t include a shot of Ed back in his office in Chicago pining for Jillian while doing internet technology consulting is a crime. Like, “Well, sir, I’m not sure your baud is up to speed.” (Breaks out crying.)
10:01 Brooke: I know Kiptyn is the next Bachelor. But I really wish it was Reid.
10:02 Dan: (Secretly records Dating in the Dark while Brooke isn’t looking.)