Comeback of the Decade?

Insulting a girl is never easy. Technically the only right way to do it is to wait for another girl to say out loud what you are thinking privately, then kind of nod in agreement. It's very complicated and hardly cathartic, but any guy who has ever called a girl a bitch or lumpy to her face knows that whatever relief may come with unleashing your anger is vastly outweighed by the immediate sense of shame, not to mention her yoga-trained legs attacking your crotch like a chorus line. I've never heard of a guy insulting Brooke to her face, but I always imagined that if it did happen Brooke would come home out of breath with blood on her hands and when I asked what happened she'd be like, "He said I was obtuse. Can you grab me my passport from the night stand?"

As it turns out, though, Brooke isn't always as insane spontaneous as she appears. Because on Saturday when a random guy on the street called her a [c-word] to her face, she didn't do anything! Except almost become an accessory to murder. Let me explain.

Brooke and her 23-year old cousin from Long Island were walking around our neighborhood doing girl things like shopping and complimenting each other's outfits. Brooke was holding an unlit cigarette like she does sometimes, because she doesn't smoke, she just likes to embrace all of life's possibilities. When she was done with it, she dropped it on the sidewalk – a donation for the local homeless. (So thoughtful!)

Right then, a man who was walking perhaps ten feet behind her says, "You [c-word]!" Stunned, Brooke and her cousin turn around, at which point the guy approaches Brooke and says, "You almost burned me with your cigarette, you [c-word]!"

Noticing a discernable amount of crazy in his eye, Brooke resists all of her take-no-prisoners-especially-if-they-call-you-a-[c-word] instincts and opts for the diplomatic approach. "Excuse me, but the cigarette was not lit and it was also nowhere near y–"

Right then her cousin, a petit blond with a French manicure who clearly hasn't noticed or doesn't care about the crazy eye, jumps in. "You can't call her a [c-word]! What kind of guy calls a girl a [c-word]? I could set you on fire and you still can't call me a [c-word]!"

(groin kick, groin kick, groin kick, groin kick) Sorry, when I think of the story that's how I like to picture it, because the way Brooke tells it the guy just slinked away without another word. And who could blame him? At best he was offering a trite apology for an unforgivable outburst; at worst he was getting set on fire to prove a point, which is this: just don't insult women. It's not worth it. And if one ever sets you on fire, remember to call her pretty when asking for the first extinguisher.