Monday, February 22, 2010

Comeback of the Decade?

Insulting a girl is never easy. Technically the only right way to do it is to wait for another girl to say out loud what you are thinking privately, then kind of nod in agreement. It's very complicated and hardly cathartic, but any guy who has ever called a girl a bitch or lumpy to her face knows that whatever relief may come with unleashing your anger is vastly outweighed by the immediate sense of shame, not to mention her yoga-trained legs attacking your crotch like a chorus line. I've never heard of a guy insulting Brooke to her face, but I always imagined that if it did happen Brooke would come home out of breath with blood on her hands and when I asked what happened she'd be like, "He said I was obtuse. Can you grab me my passport from the night stand?"

As it turns out, though, Brooke isn't always as insane spontaneous as she appears. Because on Saturday when a random guy on the street called her a [c-word] to her face, she didn't do anything! Except almost become an accessory to murder. Let me explain.

Brooke and her 23-year old cousin from Long Island were walking around our neighborhood doing girl things like shopping and complimenting each other's outfits. Brooke was holding an unlit cigarette like she does sometimes, because she doesn't smoke, she just likes to embrace all of life's possibilities. When she was done with it, she dropped it on the sidewalk – a donation for the local homeless. (So thoughtful!)

Right then, a man who was walking perhaps ten feet behind her says, "You [c-word]!" Stunned, Brooke and her cousin turn around, at which point the guy approaches Brooke and says, "You almost burned me with your cigarette, you [c-word]!"

Noticing a discernable amount of crazy in his eye, Brooke resists all of her take-no-prisoners-especially-if-they-call-you-a-[c-word] instincts and opts for the diplomatic approach. "Excuse me, but the cigarette was not lit and it was also nowhere near y–"

Right then her cousin, a petit blond with a French manicure who clearly hasn't noticed or doesn't care about the crazy eye, jumps in. "You can't call her a [c-word]! What kind of guy calls a girl a [c-word]? I could set you on fire and you still can't call me a [c-word]!"

(groin kick, groin kick, groin kick, groin kick) Sorry, when I think of the story that's how I like to picture it, because the way Brooke tells it the guy just slinked away without another word. And who could blame him? At best he was offering a trite apology for an unforgivable outburst; at worst he was getting set on fire to prove a point, which is this: just don't insult women. It's not worth it. And if one ever sets you on fire, remember to call her pretty when asking for the first extinguisher.


Blogger molls said...

cigarettes make such excellent props. way to be cool AND healthy, brooke! dan, this has already been establish time and time again, but she's definitely a keeper.

if brooke were running from the law, what would be her escape country of choice?

February 22, 2010 at 4:50:00 PM EST  
Blogger Brooke said...

The Maldives. I enjoy the tropical climate and lack of extradition laws.

February 22, 2010 at 5:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Andrew said...

No one ever filled me in on that piece of information about not insulting a girl. My parents always taught me to take no prisoners if someone else starts it, which has resulted in numerous awkward situations.

February 22, 2010 at 5:30:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jillian said...

I would have expected a full on throw down now that Brooke is back on her home turf and not facing a hostage situation in a Thai sex show.

February 22, 2010 at 5:49:00 PM EST  
Blogger danielle970 said...

Aaaaand this is why I don't ever want to move back to New York.

February 22, 2010 at 6:58:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and what would she do if a girl insulted her?

February 22, 2010 at 7:13:00 PM EST  
Blogger miss. chief said...

Holy crap, things like that happen to me all the time. For some reason people think they can say anything to me. And I always choke until it's too late for a comeback.

February 22, 2010 at 9:21:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I could set you on fire..." made it art.

February 23, 2010 at 8:28:00 AM EST  
Blogger Liise said...

Gah I read that line as "a Petite French Maid"

Clearly Chipotle has started using LSD as a spice.

February 24, 2010 at 3:57:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tsk, tsk. I can't believe your too pussy to use [c-word] in the post. Besides, Brooke just comes off as way too thin-skinned if she can't handle someone using the word [Cow] to her face. The word [Cow] is even used on network TV and radio all the time, why would you feel so embarrassed about spelling it out? Do you even still have your [d-word] or has it shriveled into a [v-word]? Just sayin'.

March 2, 2010 at 11:57:00 AM EST  

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