Friday, February 19, 2010

[redacted] FAQs

I know you all probably have some questions, as well you should. I figure we could either all go into an online chat room and sort this out 1998-style (Ok, who brought the pedophile!), or I could curate a sampling of the most common questions and concerns and preemptively address them here. So let's get down to it.

How was your Christmas?
It was lovely! Brooke got me an antique tie clip that everyone compliments me on. I know I'm a little late to the Mad Men fashion party, but if you ask me, not dipping your tie in your soup never goes out of style.

Where have you been, asshole?
Oh right. That. Well I guess we should just get this out of the way. I know I disappeared. And not like a magician, although if that's what you want to tell your friends I'll back you up. No, I disappeared more like a fun-loving though inherently flawed dad from a broken family who is either a loose-cannon police officer, semi-pro rock guitarist, or race car driver. And I promise it won't happen again. Until it does, and then we'll all officially be part of a "vicious cycle" just like those people on Intervention.

I've heard rumors that you are no longer living in Miami. Is that true?
Yes, the Internet got that one right.

Why did you leave?
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to decide if he's ready to get busy living or get busy drinking mojitos for lunch. Luckily that time never came for me, because my favorite flavor of mojito is Lunch Mojito. Instead, that decision was made for me when Brooke and I got the news in early December that we were being called back to the Big Apple for work reasons. We spent most of December in New York looking for an apartment and most of January packing up our place in Miami. We made the permanent move back to New York on January 24. Really the best time to be in New York. (Insert sound of head hitting wall.)

You know, I'm still mad at you.
I know. I feel like that prostitute who does everything but kiss, but only so she can put herself through law school. Then when she finally gets to law school, she finds herself sitting in the library yearning for the days when she anonymously approached strange men who wore pocket squares, not knowing whether this would be the go-around that netted her a book deal, or if it was just another run-of-the-mill spike-and-rob scenario.

What the hell does that even mean?
I'm sorry. It means I'm sorry.

You make it so hard to stay mad at you. Do you at least have a place to live?
Yes, I do. After an exhaustive search that involved at least ten real estate brokers, thirty-five apartment viewings, and over six hundred mini-strokes, Brooke and I found a great one-bedroom in Greenwich Village. I know what you're thinking. "Well hey, Richy Rich! Congratulations, Mr. Look At Me, I Get Extra Boosts At Jamba Juice." But that's not the case.

You know when you hear stories about people who have an unbelievable deal on an apartment? Like their elderly neighbor died and no one noticed until one day they caught a whiff of something awful? So they went in and disposed of the body, stole their identity, and have been living in a rent-controlled junior four ever since? Well now I'M THAT GUY. Except the previous tenant didn't die, she just moved to London, which is really more like a rebirth, especially if you love tea and watching great American TV shows on a one year delay.

How do you feel about being back in New York?
I know that when I left New York two years ago I was pretty excited to be leaving a place where I actually used a light therapy lamp to treat my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Just me, sitting in front of a fucking lamp for twenty minutes. I would have made fun of myself if I could have mustered a joke through all the tears.

But Miami is – god, it's so many things. Unfortunately one of them isn't "the perfect place to call home." And sure, no place is perfect. Just the other day I spent six dollars on a gallon of milk here in New York. I'm pretty sure at that cost it's economically feasible to invest in a cow. But at the end of the day, New York is home. It's a place where I have "guys." Like a shoe guy in Little Italy or a stand-up MRI guy in Queens. And that's good living by any standards.

How is Puppy handling the transition?
The beauty of Puppy is that he hates all seasons equally. He's neither a summer dog, nor a winter dog, so going from Miami to New York is a zero sum game for him. Plus, while we were looking for apartments and packing up our Miami place, Puppy stayed with my parents on Long Island. For over a month he ran around in the back yard, learned to use a doggie door, and ate wet food. It was like a doggie Sandals. And now he gets to come to work with us every day where he does funny things like poop under my boss's desk and try to jump on my HR manager's lap. I'm pretty sure he's fine.

So what now?
I guess we get back to this blogging thing. Sure, it's about as culturally relevant as the series finale of Arrested Development, what with all the Facebooking and Twittering and Apping (is that a thing?) going on these days. But like my high school girlfriend always said, "What are you doing? That feels weird. Stick to what you're good at."

Final thoughts?
The other night I was walking home from the gym at a pretty brisk pace when out of the corner of my eye I spotted what appeared to be a cat slowly ambling across the sidewalk towards a mound of trash bags. I didn't really slow down, because Hey, cat, learn your place. But as I got closer I noticed that it wasn't a cat at all. It was a possum.

Unfortunately at this point I was so close to the thing that I was committed to walking right past it, which WAS NOT an option because the thing's tail was probably a foot long and clearly if it touched me I would die. The only thing to do was vault it, which sounds athletic and cool but in practice looks more like a little girl skipping over a puddle. So there I was, a grown man covered in post-gym sweat dandily leaping over an enormous rodent who was on its way to a pile of garbage. Bottom line: It's nice to know that after all this time New York can still surprise me.

41 Comments:

OpenID peterdewolf said...

You do a faq section without answering the most important question ever...

Does Brooke have a sister?

Come on, man. You're better than that.

February 19, 2010 at 12:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger deezee said...

Welcome back. You were missed.

February 19, 2010 at 12:37:00 PM EST  
Blogger nyc said...

glad to have you back and possums are scary. good work on the leap action

February 19, 2010 at 12:38:00 PM EST  
Blogger carolynnn said...

Dear Dan,

I missed you. Also, apparently someone in close proximity to my apartment has recently acquired a cow, as there was obnoxious moo-ing going on at 1AM. If it would be economically useful to you, I could have it kidnapped and shipped to NY.

Love, Carolyn.

February 19, 2010 at 12:47:00 PM EST  
Blogger danielle970 said...

Glad you're back. However I must say, being a born-and-bred New Yorker who moved to warmer climates myself, this worries me. Does this mean I'll end up moving back to the snow and sleet, too? Is every New Yorker's inevitable plight to move someplace awesome and warm, only to realize how much they miss the En Why See? Because I really, REALLY like it here in San Diego. :-/

February 19, 2010 at 12:48:00 PM EST  
Blogger hand pecked debb said...

Oh shoo, thank god you're back. I've been missing bangcard recaps you and Brook do.

February 19, 2010 at 1:07:00 PM EST  
Blogger Dan said...

Put it this way, Danielle. If New York and San Diego were people, New York would be Jon Hamm and San Diego would be a Jonas Brother, and when the Jonas Brother saw Jon Hamm hanging out all nonchalantly on the street corner he'd be like, "What are you doing, Jon Hamm?" and Jon Hamm would be like, "Just waiting for you to fuck it up, Jonas Brother."

February 19, 2010 at 1:11:00 PM EST  
OpenID notsojenny said...

i'm glad i second guessed myself that day i attempted to delete you from my google reader

February 19, 2010 at 1:14:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy Hell so exited you are posting again - I knew I didn't delete your link for a reason. :)

February 19, 2010 at 1:22:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm doing the happy dance now that you're back.

February 19, 2010 at 1:36:00 PM EST  
Blogger red said...

I think I'm offended you compared my hometown to a Jonas brother. Unless it's Joe Jonas. In which case, carry on!

February 19, 2010 at 2:04:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Shana said...

Glad you're back. You were the first blog I read that I didn't know the author. You (and Brooke) are too funny to keep it all to yourselves and your irl friends!

February 19, 2010 at 2:12:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Oh god, finally I can stop the addiction cycle: check blog, see nothing new, get depressed, drink vodka, get depressed, want a pick-me-up, check blog... you get it. Welcome back. My liver thanks you.

February 19, 2010 at 2:15:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Eric said...

Very happy to see you blogging again.

February 19, 2010 at 3:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Liise said...

YAY!!!!!!!

February 19, 2010 at 3:21:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank god your back! I was starting to procrastinate doing my at work procrastinating since you weren't updating.

But now as payment for all the long lonely months, I demand pictures of puppy in his new digs! Post immediately.

February 19, 2010 at 3:38:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Lisa said, except sub bourbon for vodka.

Lisa said...
Oh god, finally I can stop the addiction cycle: check blog, see nothing new, get depressed, drink vodka, get depressed, want a pick-me-up, check blog... you get it. Welcome back. My liver thanks you.

February 19, 2010 at 3:39:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Thank the Blogger gods that you are back!! Back to blogging and back in NYC. Miami was fun, but NYC is where it's at.

February 19, 2010 at 3:55:00 PM EST  
Blogger molls said...

I've missed you so much! I know that's creepy and stalkery in a clingy wannabe girlfriend way, but SERIOUSLY it's been a mighty depressing winter without your witty musings. Don't scare me like that again, young man!

February 19, 2010 at 4:04:00 PM EST  
Anonymous nic said...

By some unwritten blog code that requires an "I won't be posting here anymore bitches" post, I kept you in my reader. Glad you're back! Yours is a blog I look forward to reading.

February 19, 2010 at 5:03:00 PM EST  
Blogger auntiekim said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 19, 2010 at 5:08:00 PM EST  
Blogger auntiekim said...

YAY!!!! I genuinely missed you. I saw the announcement on Valleywag about your job situation way back when. I'm glad to hear that you, Brooke and Puppy are all doing well and settling in. Welcome back, stranger friend.

February 19, 2010 at 5:10:00 PM EST  
Blogger headbang8 said...

Facebooking, twittering and apping is just blogging for people who can't write. You can blog. You can really, really blog. Flaunt it.

February 19, 2010 at 5:14:00 PM EST  
Blogger Jillian said...

It's nice to see that Brooke supports your man crush on Jon Hamm.

February 19, 2010 at 9:01:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delighted. I was actually 'delighted' when I saw you were back!

Canadian Queen

February 20, 2010 at 1:00:00 AM EST  
Blogger Book Girl said...

Really glad that you're back!

February 20, 2010 at 5:18:00 AM EST  
Blogger Poodle said...

welcome home, honey. to your hot-deal junior four.

February 20, 2010 at 4:13:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

welcome back,blahblahblah, NOW GET TO BLOGGING ABOUT THE BACHELOR!

Cheesy pilot,on the wings of love,etc... i can't believe i had to go through this season without you...

'nilla

February 20, 2010 at 8:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger Christina said...

So glad you're back. Thanks for making me laugh right off the bat with this post. Oh and I just discovered the Modern Family and "Phil" totally rocks it.

February 21, 2010 at 2:31:00 AM EST  
Blogger Andrew said...

I didn't realize possums lived in New York. I thought they were just something us Southerners were blessed with.

Thank God you're back.

February 21, 2010 at 9:15:00 PM EST  
Blogger rinya said...

Thank God U are back...I never knew i would miss someoneelse's blog so much..YAY!!!:):):)

February 21, 2010 at 11:30:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

/me slaps Dan around with a large trout

ok.... now I forgive you.

February 22, 2010 at 1:48:00 AM EST  
Blogger Trent said...

I was hoping your were in Vietnam with more stories I could steal and use at cocktail parties.

February 22, 2010 at 12:00:00 PM EST  
Blogger Keri said...

So glad to see you back!

February 22, 2010 at 12:03:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY you are back!

February 22, 2010 at 12:20:00 PM EST  
Blogger Erin said...

Headbang8, heard. Don't ever stop blogging, Dan. Life just isn't the same without you.

February 22, 2010 at 5:02:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great to have the return of Dan!

February 22, 2010 at 9:32:00 PM EST  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

Yay.

That is all.

February 22, 2010 at 11:02:00 PM EST  
Anonymous Hesseltime said...

Welcome back! I'm a big fan. A few weeks ago, I mistook (is that a word?) a possum for a small dog and let my killer dog approach it before I realized what was going on. I'll be wearing my glasses while dog-walking from now on.

I linked to Redacted on my blog today.

At the risk of sounding like a grandparent: keep up the good work!

February 22, 2010 at 11:29:00 PM EST  
Blogger BaxtersMum said...

huh.
I thought you were dead or something. I was in mourning.

Now that you're not, I guess you're just an asshole.

But at least you're back.
YAY from Vegas....

March 2, 2010 at 12:14:00 AM EST  
Blogger Blogger-In-Chief said...

Welcome back. After recommending your blog to lots of friends since the end of last year and being called an idiot because YOU never post anything, I can finally pretend to be vindicated.

Unfortunately I never cared enough to Google you and keep up with the rumors, but at least now my Google Reader will be useful again.

Glad you're back!

March 8, 2010 at 2:43:00 PM EST  

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