Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How to Propose in Seven Easy Steps

Remember when I said I wouldn't disappear for long stretches anymore? That was funny. Not as funny as this picture of a kitten eating a house plant. And no where near as funny as the fact that I've managed to bury the lede this deep, so here we go.

Brooke and I are engaged. To be married. To each other.

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in. I was shocked too. It was like when I was ten and I asked my mom if I could ride my bike to my friend's house which was like a mile and a half away. I had no idea how she'd react, and then when I finally got up the courage to ask she was like, "OK." When Brooke said yes, it was exactly like that, except fucking life changing.

So how'd I manage to lock down such a great girl? Was it bribery? Hypnotizing? An electronic fence? I guess it depends on whether you consider standing in front of the door while she's trying to leave "hypnotizing." Regardless, let's take a look at how I swung this one. Frankly, even I'm impressed.

Start a Blog. In my experience, this is the best way to meet a girl.1. When coming up with a name for your blog, go with something crap-based – something that says, "Don't worry about me maturing too fast!" And most importantly, write about your ex-girlfriend. In the parlance of dating experts, this "demonstrates value." Basically, you become more attractive because you demonstrate that you are capable of making a commitment and writing flattering things about The Devil Wears Prada.2.

Choose a Girl. Luckily, Brooke was the first of an inevitable cascade of tail to fall into my lap. The vetting process was easy, because it was all done via e-mail and scotch. Most importantly though, the month-long written courtship made me fall in love with what is on Brooke's inside before I fell in love with what is on her outside.

Now Wait. This part is key. Though from very early on you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her and that no girl as smart and pretty as Brooke has any right waiting around for anyone, let alone a guy who doesn't even use a Mac, just kind of wait. Move in together; move to another state together; raise a dog together – all the while biding your time. I know that this seems counter-intuitive. For the life of me I can't figure out why it worked. But you can't second-guess science!

Buy a Ring. Once you've decided to propose, you'll need a ring. You'll want to pick it out yourself, which is very cute and stupid. You'll need some sort of guidance. Gold or platinum? Round or square? Big or small? Contrary to The Real Housewives of Tucson, not every woman wants a huge diamond. Some just want a huge cock sense of humor. A few practical suggestions: 1) Don't make pretend you know what you're doing when looking at rings. You'll only look that much more ridiculous when you ask what cut and clarity a diamond is and the salesperson says, "That's an earring." 2) When asking about the ring's return policy, be sure to act kind of shy and nervous. Explain that you're not sure she will say yes because you haven't been the same since you got back from the war, but you're really hoping once she catches a glimpse of that sparkling ring she'll start taking your phone calls again. 3) Once you've purchased the ring, hide it somewhere she will never look, like inside your MacGyver DVD box set.3.

Make a Plan. First, acknowledge that this is your weakness. Do you know where to rent a helicopter? Do you know how to fly one? Then you probably shouldn't plan on proposing in a helicopter. Keep it simple. For example, if you are taking a trip to Los Angeles, plan on proposing there. It will be warm and relaxing and you'll definitely be having some cocktails which is very conducive to her saying yes. Of course, if a few weeks before the trip your girlfriend tells you a story about how her friend was just proposed to while on a vacation and your girlfriend says, "That's the worst. I would never want to be proposed to while out of town," then now is a good time to panic.

Pay Attention to Details. When you change your plan and settle on proposing to her the night before you leave for Los Angeles instead, be sure to double check the flight time on the ticket. It would be a huge mistake to spend the entire night drinking champagne and scotch only to realize at 2:00 a.m. that your flight doesn't leave at 12:30 p.m., rather it arrives at 12:30 p.m. Remember all the reasons you love your girlfriend when she comes stumbling out of the airport bathroom at 6:30 a.m. with a thumbs up saying, "Kept it down. No worries."

Enjoy. The important thing now is not to get ahead of yourself. Sure, there's a wedding to plan. Invites to send. Gifts to register for. Before you know it, Brooke will start shooting super children out of her uterus, who I hope will come out reading Hemmingway short stories and quoting Arrested Development. But for now you need to just enjoy the fact that a really hot girl just agreed to be your best friend forever, with benefits, and the dog comes too. All because three years ago you started a blog. That's pretty amazing.4.

______________________________________
1. When I say "a" girl, I literally mean one girl. Brooke is the only one I've ever met from my blog. [redacted] cannot guarantee the quality of girl you may meet from your blog.
2. This was the first post of mine Brooke ever read. She says it's like only yesterday she was asking her co-workers if they thought I was gay.
3. Yes, you are marrying her despite her bad taste in fantastic action/alt-crime procedurals of the 1990's.
4. But not as amazing as this kitten eating a houseplant.

42 Comments:

Blogger trinity67 said...

Yay!

March 30, 2010 at 3:55:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Liz said...

Congrats!

March 30, 2010 at 3:59:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous nic said...

Congratulations! Can't wait to hear all the crazy wedding planning stories as told by a dude for once. Ah hell, who am I kidding. ;)

March 30, 2010 at 4:01:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Tom said...

Congratulations. Good to see you two will be staying together for Puppy's sake.

Also, this is almost exactly how I managed to propose to my wife.

March 30, 2010 at 4:03:00 PM EDT  
Blogger ruby said...

CONGRASTULASHUNZ!

March 30, 2010 at 4:22:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Nicole said...

i'm so happy you *finally* proposed to brooke! congrats!!

March 30, 2010 at 4:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Gillian said...

Congratulations guys! And we hope you're ready to move out of your new NY apartment just about the time we come back (tbd).

March 30, 2010 at 5:35:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Texas Cinderella said...

Congrats!!! So exciting!

March 30, 2010 at 5:38:00 PM EDT  
Blogger deezee said...

congrats to a couple whose tales make us all really root for them.

March 30, 2010 at 5:40:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous juniperjune said...

congratulations! i especially like "best friend forever, with benefits"... i may try to figure out a way to slip that into a conversation to trick my boyfriend into proposing to me. thanks!

March 30, 2010 at 6:13:00 PM EDT  
Blogger danielle970 said...

Yay!! Congrats!

March 30, 2010 at 6:54:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Toni said...

Congrats!

March 30, 2010 at 7:24:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Amy said...

Hooray!! Congratulations!!

March 30, 2010 at 7:48:00 PM EDT  
Blogger wendryn said...

Congratulations!

March 30, 2010 at 7:56:00 PM EDT  
OpenID notsojenny said...

Yay! Hooray! Congrats! now Puppy is no longer a basterd!

March 30, 2010 at 8:10:00 PM EDT  
Blogger sleeptalker said...

I am happier to hear this news about two people I've never met than I ever have been about people I actually know. Probably because your relationship seems to be built on real stuff, including - but not limited to - scotch. (Yes, I know, marriages have been built on scotch and other beverages for eons, but good ones don't rely on alcohol exclusively.)

Also: Mother? Comments?

March 30, 2010 at 10:34:00 PM EDT  
Blogger 12minds said...

Very long time reader, first time commenter, but congratulations to you both!

March 30, 2010 at 11:22:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you and Brooke!

Also, Rescue Me is pretty much the best show EVER!

Congrats!

March 31, 2010 at 12:16:00 AM EDT  
Blogger rinya said...

Congratulations both of you!:):):):)..

March 31, 2010 at 1:09:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Alison said...

Congratulations :D Marriage is awesome! It really is best friends for ever! (Added benefits may ebb and flow.) Yr gunna luv it!

(Ten bucks says Brooke does footnote 2 again before the wedding plans end.)

March 31, 2010 at 4:02:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Soap said...

You might ought to hold off on the kids thing. I don't think you're going to like Brooke much when she's on Maternity Gras.

Congrats!!

March 31, 2010 at 9:04:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Sid said...

OMW! I'm so happy for you guys. Congrats =)

March 31, 2010 at 9:05:00 AM EDT  
Blogger emertron said...

YAY! Congrats!!!

March 31, 2010 at 10:25:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats my dearies!!!

By the way, please come to Singapore for your honeymoone!!!

Check out this website for an event that will take place in NYC tomorrow to win tix to Singapore!!

http://www.relax.com.sg/relax/news/346064/DancingMatt_to_lead_STB_s_flash_mob_event_in_New_York.html

March 31, 2010 at 10:41:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, you can go to this official website instead:

www.yoursingapore.com

March 31, 2010 at 10:44:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Andrew said...

If it turns out Brooke doesn't shoot super children out of her uterus, send them back. The "Arrested Development" quotes are a must,

March 31, 2010 at 10:57:00 AM EDT  
OpenID peterdewolf said...

Congratulations!

I'm taking notes.

Started blog.
Talk about Anne Hathaway too much.

March 31, 2010 at 10:57:00 AM EDT  
Blogger hand pecked debb said...

I can't even be pretend-sad that you are now officially taken. Congrats you two, she sounds so flippin awesome and you two are great together in your own way. I hope you will continue to, ahem, update your blog so we can hear more about her asskicking ways.

March 31, 2010 at 11:02:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Book Girl said...

I was grinning all through the post! I'm so happy for you guys, congratulations!
Looking forward to reading more crazy stories.

March 31, 2010 at 2:23:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Marelou said...

Congratulations Brooke and Dan. I know, kinda creepy coming from people or persons you don't know. I've followed your adventures over the past years, keeping quiet. But this is a biggie!!! Wishing you much happiness, money and keeping each other on your toes!

Marelou

March 31, 2010 at 4:47:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Heather said...

Congrats! Dan, I know your mom is thrilled! Best wishes!

March 31, 2010 at 5:13:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Scottsdale Girl said...

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

March 31, 2010 at 6:21:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Mike R. said...

Congrats to you and Brooke! And Puppy!
BTW the electrified fence worked, and still works, for me.

March 31, 2010 at 7:28:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Allison Hatfield said...

I had no idea that blog still existed. It's like a flashback to 2007. Also I had no idea Brook was on Twitter. It's almost enough to make me want to join -- but not quite. Congrats, friends. I've never known a more awesome couple. I mean that.

March 31, 2010 at 8:55:00 PM EDT  
Blogger molls said...

Aww, yay! I'm no longer upset that you spent 3 weeks without posting after promising you would never run away again. Congratulations!

April 1, 2010 at 12:16:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Erin Mc said...

Cheers to you and Brooke on your engagement!

April 1, 2010 at 10:51:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Tom said...

Way to go! Great news to hear!

April 1, 2010 at 11:54:00 AM EDT  
OpenID irunyourun said...

Yay, it's about time! Congrats!

April 1, 2010 at 2:25:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Okay, first off, you need to show me how to make those footnotes because I've been blogging for years using them, but they aren't cool like yours.

Second, congratulations!!

April 2, 2010 at 1:10:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Native Minnow said...

About time!

And it's about time this blog thing helps me meet a hot girl too.

A guy can dream, right?

April 2, 2010 at 1:51:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy news! Congratulations! Can we hear about [mother]'s reaction?

April 2, 2010 at 9:52:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Keri said...

Congratulations!!

April 2, 2010 at 11:07:00 AM EDT  

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