How to Propose in Seven Easy Steps

Remember when I said I wouldn't disappear for long stretches anymore? That was funny. Not as funny as this picture of a kitten eating a house plant. And no where near as funny as the fact that I've managed to bury the lede this deep, so here we go.

Brooke and I are engaged. To be married. To each other.

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in. I was shocked too. It was like when I was ten and I asked my mom if I could ride my bike to my friend's house which was like a mile and a half away. I had no idea how she'd react, and then when I finally got up the courage to ask she was like, "OK." When Brooke said yes, it was exactly like that, except fucking life changing.

So how'd I manage to lock down such a great girl? Was it bribery? Hypnotizing? An electronic fence? I guess it depends on whether you consider standing in front of the door while she's trying to leave "hypnotizing." Regardless, let's take a look at how I swung this one. Frankly, even I'm impressed.

Start a Blog. In my experience, this is the best way to meet a girl.^1. When coming up with a name for your blog, go with something crap-based – something that says, "Don't worry about me maturing too fast!" And most importantly, write about your ex-girlfriend. In the parlance of dating experts, this "demonstrates value." Basically, you become more attractive because you demonstrate that you are capable of making a commitment and writing flattering things about The Devil Wears Prada.^2.

Choose a Girl. Luckily, Brooke was the first of an inevitable cascade of tail to fall into my lap. The vetting process was easy, because it was all done via e-mail and scotch. Most importantly though, the month-long written courtship made me fall in love with what is on Brooke's inside before I fell in love with what is on her outside.

Now Wait. This part is key. Though from very early on you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her and that no girl as smart and pretty as Brooke has any right waiting around for anyone, let alone a guy who doesn't even use a Mac, just kind of wait. Move in together; move to another state together; raise a dog together – all the while biding your time. I know that this seems counter-intuitive. For the life of me I can't figure out why it worked. But you can't second-guess science!

Buy a Ring. Once you've decided to propose, you'll need a ring. You'll want to pick it out yourself, which is very cute and stupid. You'll need some sort of guidance. Gold or platinum? Round or square? Big or small? Contrary to The Real Housewives of Tucson, not every woman wants a huge diamond. Some just want a huge cock sense of humor. A few practical suggestions: 1) Don't make pretend you know what you're doing when looking at rings. You'll only look that much more ridiculous when you ask what cut and clarity a diamond is and the salesperson says, "That's an earring." 2) When asking about the ring's return policy, be sure to act kind of shy and nervous. Explain that you're not sure she will say yes because you haven't been the same since you got back from the war, but you're really hoping once she catches a glimpse of that sparkling ring she'll start taking your phone calls again. 3) Once you've purchased the ring, hide it somewhere she will never look, like inside your MacGyver DVD box set.^3.

Make a Plan. First, acknowledge that this is your weakness. Do you know where to rent a helicopter? Do you know how to fly one? Then you probably shouldn't plan on proposing in a helicopter. Keep it simple. For example, if you are taking a trip to Los Angeles, plan on proposing there. It will be warm and relaxing and you'll definitely be having some cocktails which is very conducive to her saying yes. Of course, if a few weeks before the trip your girlfriend tells you a story about how her friend was just proposed to while on a vacation and your girlfriend says, "That's the worst. I would never want to be proposed to while out of town," then now is a good time to panic.

Pay Attention to Details. When you change your plan and settle on proposing to her the night before you leave for Los Angeles instead, be sure to double check the flight time on the ticket. It would be a huge mistake to spend the entire night drinking champagne and scotch only to realize at 2:00 a.m. that your flight doesn't leave at 12:30 p.m., rather it arrives at 12:30 p.m. Remember all the reasons you love your girlfriend when she comes stumbling out of the airport bathroom at 6:30 a.m. with a thumbs up saying, "Kept it down. No worries."

Enjoy. The important thing now is not to get ahead of yourself. Sure, there's a wedding to plan. Invites to send. Gifts to register for. Before you know it, Brooke will start shooting super children out of her uterus, who I hope will come out reading Hemmingway short stories and quoting Arrested Development. But for now you need to just enjoy the fact that a really hot girl just agreed to be your best friend forever, with benefits, and the dog comes too. All because three years ago you started a blog. That's pretty amazing.^4.

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^1. When I say "a" girl, I literally mean one girl. Brooke is the only one I've ever met from my blog. [redacted] cannot guarantee the quality of girl you may meet from your blog.
^2. This was the first post of mine Brooke ever read. She says it's like only yesterday she was asking her co-workers if they thought I was gay.
^3. Yes, you are marrying her despite her bad taste in fantastic action/alt-crime procedurals of the 1990's.
^4. But not as amazing as this kitten eating a houseplant.