Like a Collapsed Lung The Bachelor Season Finale is Impossible to Ignore

I've been pretty busy these past few months, so I haven't really had the opportunity to watch this season of The Bachelor. Although when I was ten years old and my mom gave birth to my little sister I made my aunt let me finish watching the last half hour of Star Trek IV* before going to visit them at the hospital, so I've never really let life changing events get in the way of my entertainment before.

I guess at the end of the day I just didn't want it enough. I tried, really. Brooke and I watched the first twenty minutes of the season premier, but as soon as all the girls were done exiting the limos with their boobs and daddy issues all hanging out, and Jake was like, "Gosh!" I automatically tuned out, because what it really boils down to is that I can't bring myself to root for a guy who says "gosh" unironically.

But then things got interesting. Some girl made out with a producer, which is a great testament not only to the quality of woman on the show (she's so open to the possibility of finding true love that she accidentally found it in a producer's pants) but also to Jake's irresistible magnetism, which is so strong that sometimes it goes full circle and actually pushes women away.

Then a different girl left the show in tears, choosing a job in ad sales at Facebook over Jake, but then wanted to come back because she realized the only thing more boring than Jake was a job in ad sales at Facebook.

And now it's down to two women who I know very little about except that Tenley must move around a lot because everyone calls her "the girl next door" and that Vienna posed topless with a Burberry scarf covering her chest for a pinup calendar for a company called C.O.D. Trees, Inc., which would be sexy if it wasn't so sad. I also learned that Ali and Jake had a secret reunion and it was Vienna's worst nightmare and that Jake refused to exercise the Bang Card with either of them out of respect. Respect for what, I'm not sure. Their sexual frustration, I guess? He really respects how sexually frustrated they are and doesn't want to do anything to upset that?

So now that the season finale is upon us, what am I supposed to do – just ignore it? Just pick up a copy of Great Expectations or a non-fiction work about the complex entanglement of American culture in a destabilizing global economy and sip my cup of Earl Grey like I'm too good for true love? Jake is going to propose to someone! And then cry! And it's all ON THE WINGS OF LOVE! Stock the mini fridge with insulin, it's gonna be sweet.

It won't be a live blog like last season, but I'll recap it tomorrow for everyone who either didn't watch or did watch but think that watching TV without reading someone else's commentary the following day is so 1992. For everyone who's all caught up on the season, feel free to fill me in on any details you think I should be aware of before tonight's finale.

_____________________________________
* And that was the one with the whales!