Thursday, April 8, 2010

I’m Going to the Non-Denominational Beach Ceremony and I’m Gonna Get Ma-a-aried

Hey, it’s Brooke. Long time, no write. I’m not going to make excuses like Dan – cause let’s be honest, this isn’t my blog and I owe you people nothing. But today, I thought I’d write. Is it because my new position in corporate American is slowly sucking out of my soul? No, I love my job. Go team! It’s because sometimes people need a creative outlet where they can say things like cock-sucking, motherfucking whore bag, and not be censored, you know? Also, I’m so happy! To be engaged. And I wanted to share my first bride-ish experience: dress shopping.

See, every little girl dreams of getting married. Except me. I dreamed of living alone in a massive hotel suite, where I was beautiful, famous, and fascinatingly eccentric (a cross between Greta Garbo and Miss Havisham). And I had teams of servants would bring me anything I wanted, and I’d never have to make my bed. Ever. As I got older, I always prided myself on being a non-girlie girl. Not that I don’t like clothes and shoes – I do. But I don’t want to spend the day chitchatting with a girlfriend about her fight with some other girlfriend while shopping for said clothes and shoes. I want to drink scotch and shop online. So the idea of planning a wedding seemed, hmm, not fun. Daunting. Horrible.

Why not elope, you ask. There was just one problem. No, it was not Dan’s mom, who said to me a year ago, “I’m not sure what’s taking so long, but if you guys want to elope I support you.” Nor was it my dad, who when I call to say I have news, always shouts with joy, “You’re pregnant!” No, there was no family pressure. But here’s the thing: I like the nightlife. I like to boogie. And while the idea of picking out tablecloths or discussing the seasonal availability of hydrangeas makes me want to die, I did, it turns out, want to commemorate our marriage with more than a celebratory smoke and a pocket pair at the poker table.

So we decide to have a wedding. And I tell friend Kristen, who I wouldn’t call a girlie girl (because she reads this), but I will say that her boyfriend once walked in on her stuffing wedding magazines under the couch like fetish porn. So the lovely Kristen sets up some wedding dress appointments (did you know you need an appointment to shop for a wedding dress? I did not). And I reluctantly meet her and friend Jess on a Saturday at a wedding dress shop. I walk in to the showroom: lace, chiffon, white clouds of tulle for miles – it’s a billowing sea of estrogen. They take us into the private dressing room, with the three way mirror and the pedestal and flatteringly lighting. The dress consultant (real person, real job) gives me a white corset to change into. Then she and my pals go raid the showroom. I sit sullenly in the dressing room, wearing my corset like a half-dressed Bridal Barbie.

Ten minutes later, three giddy girls return with cascades of white fabric – and it begins. I step into the first gown. The consultant clips me in (they use industrial-strength clothing pins). I slowly, carefully, get up on the pedestal and turn to face the mirror. And that’s when it happens. I am a princess! I am a beautiful, magical princess. I want to melt into the sweet, soft petals of silk. I want to prance around while holding the train in my hands. And more than anything, I want every ex-boyfriend I’ve ever had to walk in at that moment and see me – this me! this perfect me! – forever washing away his previous image of me screaming and throwing my cell phone at him. This is the effect of trying on a wedding dress.

You suddenly, shockingly, become that girl.

But don't worry – while you can’t take the dress out of the girl, you can take the girl out of the dress. You know, for sex. (Bam, I still got it.)


Blogger emertron said...

Thank you Brooke. This is hilarious. And so true...especially that ex-boyfriend walking in thing.

April 8, 2010 at 4:05:00 PM EDT  
Blogger the gazelle said...

I am now suddenly regretting my (very sensible) decision to not do the whole 'wedding' thing, and just have a wedding.

is it too late to try on dresses?

April 8, 2010 at 4:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Brooke said...

No, Gazelle! That's the beauty of our consumerist society: You can always shop. I recommend rounding up a few pals and drinking loads of champagne beforehand.

April 8, 2010 at 4:11:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have plans to take my wedding band off at certain points in my life and go try dresses on. because of what you mentioned... it's just that good. plus how often do you get to stand around in $5k worht of fabric at once? knowing full well you can't afford it

April 8, 2010 at 5:08:00 PM EDT  
Blogger deezee said...

So in the spirit of online shopping and this whole blog world and this thing called your wedding, I think you two deserve a virtual bridal shower attended by all the readers of this blog and anyone else you can round up. You provide the entertainment (cuz you two are just damn hilarious), and we send the gifts.

April 8, 2010 at 5:50:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Ed said...

You and Dan make a great pair based on your humor alone.

April 8, 2010 at 8:39:00 PM EDT  
Blogger auntiekim said...

Brooke, your post hit home and brought back a lot of memories. We got married in Hawaii and I fully intended to do it in shorts. My husband thought I might regret not doing the whole dress thing and encouraged me to rethink my decision. I begrudgingly agreed to "look" and once I started trying on the dresses I never looked back. They do some weird stuff to your brain, I think, because in an instant I became a girly girl. I loved my dress so much I tried it on at every opportunity(what can I say, it was sparkly and my condo had great lighting). Enjoy this time. Sincerest congrats to both of you. Oh yeah...your tweets are hysterical. Paternity papers?? Does [mother] know?

April 8, 2010 at 9:46:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Brianna said...

Ok. This is probably the most dead on thing I have ever read about bridal dress shopping. When I got married, a whopping 4 1/2 months ago, this was almost the exact experience I had, including sitting awkward and alone half naked, half the time. But as soon as I got one on, and was in front of that mirror (and the veil did some work too) I felt like a girly girl princess, a feeling (and my friends can attest) that I also feel something close to never. Haha... so bravo. And congrats. I'm so looking forward to the rest of your guys' posts about this process and life after.

April 9, 2010 at 1:02:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"stuffing wedding magazines under the couch like fetish porn" <--- If this is the best thing I read today, I will be more than satisfied with my blog visitings.

April 9, 2010 at 9:07:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Alexandra said...

I was quite certain I wanted to wear a hot pink cocktail dress for my wedding, but it turned out I liked the ivory lacy bit that my mum picked out. I like it when we surprise ourselves!

April 9, 2010 at 10:45:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The same thing happened to me!

I was NEVER one to dream of my wedding, I always said I wanted something simple, didn't want to spend much on a dress, yada yada yada.

Then two months ago, I got engaged. And I started to try on dresses. And all of a sudden things like short veil or long veil? Satin or lace? Colors, what are my colors? Are keeping me up.

Who the fuck cares about all these details? Apparently, I do.

April 9, 2010 at 11:22:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't realize I needed to schedule an appointment to try on wedding dresses either... and then the Saks security guards came to let my mom and me know. But, we apologized all flustered to them using fake accents and so they let us go. Phew! I ended up buying my gown online.

April 9, 2010 at 12:23:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BAM! You still got it girl! I love you guys.. and I don't even know you :)

April 9, 2010 at 2:17:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Hermosa said...

so I anonymously slash accidently forgot to sign in before I posted that anonymous comment... let's try that again:
BAM! You still got it girl! I love you guys.. and I don't even know you :)

there... much better

April 9, 2010 at 2:20:00 PM EDT  
Blogger CLW said...

Love, love this ... ya, you still got, mos def.

April 9, 2010 at 3:31:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um, do we get to see the dress? :D

my friend bought her dress while high on vicodin then had to sell it on ebay after she eloped. sounds like your experience was better

April 10, 2010 at 6:10:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Congrats, Brooke. I've been reading this guy for a long time, and I'm quite sure he'll keep you laughing. All the best . . .

April 10, 2010 at 7:33:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Dan & Brooke = two peas in a pod

Pod. Not pot, like my mom (who's been living in the USA since her tweens and who speaks English without a heavy accent), swore. She actually challenged me on this.


"You've been wrong for long time. But rock on if you want to continue on with it."

Anyway, congrats on the engagement! I hope, Brooke, that you live through many more of "that girl" moments. It's your wedding planning stage. C'mon.

April 11, 2010 at 12:46:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Poodle said...


April 11, 2010 at 9:03:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I'm not TOO girly, but I have to say I'm excited to do the whole wedding thing when the time comes. And maybe I should actually bring exes along and taunt them while I prance around in frilly dresses.

April 12, 2010 at 1:00:00 AM EDT  
Blogger DevilsHeaven said...

OMG. You so nailed. I felt the same way, but then I started watching wedding shows and suddenly I wanted to be futured on Platinum Weddings!! And SAY YES TO THE DRESS!!! Which,seriously, if you go to Kleinfelds(please!), you totally have to blog about it.

April 12, 2010 at 11:48:00 AM EDT  
Blogger Geri said...

Gawd, I love you both madly! Which is why I'm giving you the Bridal Dress buying secret (Also because its a good cause).
I was SO not about getting married it didn't happen til this year-at 48. I got THE perfect dress for under $500. Check the gown show/sale calendar on the web site. They have hundreds of gowns from hundreds of designers for 1/3 of their cost. ALL of the proceeds go to Stage 4 breast cancer patients. I did become a crazed girly bride-but a frugal one. Also check out the show Bridezilla.... You're welcome

April 12, 2010 at 4:32:00 PM EDT  
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September 17, 2010 at 6:49:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous search engine placement said...

I got involved. And I started to experiment with clothes. And suddenly, things like a short veil or a long veil? Satin or lace? Colors, what are my colors? Keep up.

September 21, 2010 at 6:25:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Superannuation Trust of Australia said...

Congratulation then! and good luck to your groom. You said your not a girlie girl, but it'll change soon as you feel the essence of being married. Hahahaha!

November 18, 2011 at 3:03:00 AM EST  

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